Fifty-two days after an aggressive form of Cancer made itself known, it took my ex-husband’s life.


He passed away 11 days ago.  He was 56.  We had been divorced for 10 years in March and, despite knowing each other for 33 years, 23 of them married, and having two children together who are now 19 and 25, we were not friends.  And yet . . . I’m having a hard time processing grief that seems odd, irrational and so very inappropriate.


Even with 52 days warning of death coming, no one was prepared.


My children hurt in a way I cannot fix or even soothe.  Yet I won’t stop trying.


I am both sad and angry at him for leaving.


Am I entitled to be sad?


I’m so sad about the things he will miss.  The great accomplishments his boys will achieve throughout their life that he won’t be able to celebrate.  The girlfriends his boys will have and he will never meet.  The wives they will ultimately choose that he will never know.  The grandchildren who will only hear stories their fathers tell about their grandfather.   My heart is heavy over this.  And I cry a lot.


But what’s even worse is the level of anger I feel towards him.


He left me alone with our boys.  He.  Left.  Me.  Alone.  Did I think he was a great parent?  No, honestly I didn’t.  But he was a parent, he was present and he was their father.  Someone else they had to go to when they had questions, thoughts, ideas, and concerns.  He was their other guide through this life and now he’s gone and it’s just me.  I’m.  So.  Angry.


Please save your harsh words.  I’ve said them to myself.  This is not about me.  He didn’t do anything to me intentionally.  He’s DEAD for God’s sake, I’m ALIVE and I’m angry?


Just save it.


It is what it is and yes, I’m angry.


You don’t know them, and truly you don’t know me, but I would ask you to lift my boys up in your positive thoughts as they travel through one of the hardest years they are about to face – full of “firsts” where there father is not a factor.



Happy New Year People!

It feels like the last time I stopped by here was the beginning of 2017, but that can’t be right. Can it?  I actually think I made an appearance mid-year (when the boy graduated from high school!), but the year was such a whirlwind of activity it’s hard to remember.  Thank goodness for archives.

While I am no longer consistent in writing here, I am consistent in reflecting briefly on the year that has passed. 2017 was everything I thought it would be and truthfully much, much more.

When I started this blog, a long time ago, it was because I had just been dumped by a guy I thought was supposed to be the one.  When I look back on that I can’t for the life of me figure out why I thought he was supposed to be the one.  But jeez I was so sad when he dumped me.  I read some of my old posts and cringe at just how sad I was.  Really?  Ugh.  Enough already.  Once I got through that transition however the blog became all about running and online dating.

Match, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, the hook-up one whose name I can’t recall right now. Oh my goodness that was a train wreck too.  I hadn’t dated much before I got married the first time, so really after my divorce, and then my subsequent dump by that one dude I mentioned above, I lost my mind with the dating and joined a bunch of sites.

I was on Match for a little less than two weeks. And lucky for me Blue Eyes got in under that wire.  With respect to my relationship with this man I’m lucky in a lot of ways.  We would have never met without the help of Match.  We lived a good distance from each other and none of our circles would have ever crossed.  But even if they had crossed Blue Eyes is so shy that had he noticed me, he wouldn’t have spoken to me – and truthfully, had I noticed him it wouldn’t have been because I was attracted to him – he was not my type.  At.  All.  My how things change.  He’s definitely my type now.

I met Blue Eyes through Match.com 6 years and 5 months ago. I dumped him a couple months later because he was too nice.  Again, lucky for me, he didn’t let that stop him.   He’s still the nicest man I have ever met.  Thoughtful, kind, funny and truly my favorite person in the whole wide world.  As it turns out “nice” is not such a bad thing to have in a partner.

Our wedding was a week shy of the 6th anniversary of when we met.  It was a good day.  The weather was perfect, our children and extended family were happy, there was enough food and drink for all who showed up and finally we were married and everyone knew it.  A good day.


We moved into our house at the end of August. That was pretty spectacular – and difficult — it was an adjustment that we are still working through.  Our youngest children live with us.  They’ve never had step siblings; we’ve never had step children and I’ve never had a daughter.  Five months later I’m happy to report we’re doing well, but we are still adjusting.  It’s been a roller coaster and some days have been worse than others, but we’re figuring it out together and I feel like we’re ahead since all four of us actually like each other.

In October we went on our official honeymoon. We took 23 days and visited Greece, Italy and Paris.  Most people we have had conversations with about the trip refer to it as “the trip of a lifetime.”  I can’t tell you how I loathe that term.  The trip was amazing, yes.  But “the trip of a lifetime” implies that we will never take a trip like it again and on that I call bullshit.

When I was dating I would always ask the guys “If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?” I thought it told me something about them.  Blue Eyes’ answer was Greece, a place I’d never even considered – my answer was, and has always been Italy.  So we compromised and did both for the honeymoon.  We hit Paris only because we were “over there” and it was easy to route our way through Charles De Gaulle on the way home, and also because . . . “why the fuck not?”

It goes without saying I loved Italy, but jeez Louise I loved Greece! Of course by the end of ten days in Greece I had seen enough crumbling 2000 year old buildings to last me a lifetime, but the blue, blue water, the sunny, warm weather, the super friendly people and the amazing food got me through.


And Italy? Um yeah.  It was Italy and it was fabulous too.  We spent time in Rome, the Cinque Terra, Florence and Venice.  My favorite things we did over the course of the whole honeymoon were in Italy.  Hiking from Monterosso to Vernazza, taking a hot air balloon ride over Tuscany at sunrise, simply existing while in Venice.  Seriously, it was the best.

Hot Air BalloonIMG_8077Venice 2017

And then there was Paris. It was a whirlwind time in Paris – two nights but only one complete day.  Blue Eyes figured out we walked about 15 miles on that one complete day in Paris.  We took a cab to Pere Lachaise Cemetery shortly after they opened, spent a couple hours there and then walked everywhere else.  We didn’t get back to the hotel until late into the evening, exhausted and seriously ready to go home.  But it was a good time.


Anyway, we got back home after 23 days and were happy to be home, but we’ve already started planning our next trip, because there is always some place to go. Always.

In December we traveled south to see the Foo Fighters. Best concert.  Best.  If I sound surprised by that it’s because I am.  Not because I’m not a Foo Fighters fan, I am, but it was just so good.  So good.  My husband likes to go to concerts.  He loves live music – in fact that was one of the things his profile said on Match.com and it was true.  I like concerts too, but I like to spend money on traveling, not concerts so when he says “So and so is coming to town.”  My reaction is generally lukewarm, but bless his heart, he has not let my lukewarm response stop him from buying tickets, and he’s taken me to see some of the greatest concerts — I consistently walk away going “OMG that was so awesome!”  In 2017 we saw Tom Petty a few weeks before he passed, the Eagles and the Foo Fighters.  We also went to see Chris Rock’s Blackout tour.  It was quite a year.


So I’m thinking . . . here’s to another great year hanging out with my favorite person.


I wish you all good health, prosperity and lots of laughter.  I hope 2018 gives you everything you need – I have a good feeling about it!!

Be well people!


Hello People!

I remember thinking, at the beginning of 2017, that this was going to be quite a year. Lot’s going on. Well, today is the end of the first HALF of 2017. Mind blowing really, but it’s true. We only have six more months in this amazing year. So much has happened, and yet, so much is getting ready to happen and it really IS blowing my mind.

The biggest thing to happen recently is my baby child graduated from high school. My baby child who towers above me (and I’m not short at 5’8”). It was a wonderful ceremony and he had an army of family there from Michigan and California to cheer for him when they called his name. It was pretty special and I could not believe how emotional it made me. I mean, seriously, I’d been through this before with his older brother, but man, it really got me. But oh my goodness I’m so proud.


Ethan Graduation


He mentioned, a couple of days before graduation, that he should get his hair cut so he could wear the cap – I will not tell my children how to dress, wear their hair, or anything similar – but I hated the idea of him cutting his hair. The afro has defined his high school years and it just seemed wrong for him to cut it before graduation. Instead of saying THAT, however, I just taught him about bobby pins. When he walked out with his class it made me giggle to see his cap hanging off the back of his giant afro. Despite the wind and subsequent (light) rain, it stayed on!


Ethan Grad Line


We had a joint graduation party for him and his best friend the following day and it was a success as well. My Ex-husband and I coexisted in the same room together without nuclear warfare and I got to see members of his family that I love dearly and miss terribly. It was a very good time.


But now that’s all over.


What’s next?


Well, I’m going to play the part of the bride in a wedding that’s scheduled to occur in 43 days. It’s freaking me out. After years, literally, of waiting for this to happen, it’s right around the proverbial corner. And although we went to great lengths to stress to each other that we were going to have a “small” wedding, which in some way sounded “easy” – it freaking ISN’T easy. The details are coming out of my ass. I’m not complaining though. I’ve been waiting, patiently, to marry this man, again, in front of everyone who matters to us, for three and a half years so I can certainly handle the details.


I get my wedding dress back from the seamstress tomorrow. Yay.


Did I mention we’re building a house? Probably not. We are. A house where finally, after the same 3½ years, we will get to live together under the same roof. It’s a novel concept, isn’t it? Originally we were scheduled to close on July 28. That was a mere 14 days before the wedding which was stressful to think about but we were willing to deal with it – but then cabinets got delayed and now we are not scheduled to close until August 22.

With this news we were both annoyed and a little depressed. It means we’re going to have a wedding, go away for a couple of days and then when we return to the area, he will go to his house and I will go to mine, 45 minutes away, because “our house” is not ready yet.


We were annoyed and a little depressed until we voiced the fact that less than two weeks more of waiting, after waiting for as long as we have, is really child’s play and not worth the effort of being annoyed. So there you go.


We visit the house regularly – can’t help it. We’ll be visiting it this weekend to check on the progress. Last time we were there the drywall was up and it was starting to really look like a house, instead of a shell of a house.




After we get into the house we will have about 6 weeks to settle in before we will leave on our official honeymoon. Every time I get a little stressed out I take a deep breath and remind myself that soon enough (99 days from today, yes, I’m counting) we will leave for 23 straight days of vacation.


I know this is crazy – but just last week I made a lunch reservation for us at Club del Doge. Yes, I have issues, but I want that table right by the water and made that request in my reservation. No one seemed to think it was odd that I was making the reservation for October in June. Tables on the terrace are hard to come by so I took what I think are appropriate measures. . .




So ya’ll, that’s what’s going on with me. I hope you are all well and getting ready to thoroughly enjoy a nice long weekend to celebrate the 4th of July. My weekend is scheduled to be low key, which is how I like it. The sun is shining and life is good.


So good.


Gratefulness overflows.


Be well People!

116 Days

My youngest son graduates from high school in 116 days.  It may sound silly that I’m counting down the days, but even sillier than that is the fact that I’ve actually been counting down for the past 34 months.  Almost 3 years.  I love this child like crazy – but his graduating from high school marks the beginning of the next part of my life and I can hardly wait for that.


This kiddo had a rough go of his freshman year.  His grades were sucky, and he struggled to find a balance between his personal time and time required for school work.  His last year of middle school had seen him lacking any desire to go to school in the first place; we met with the truancy officer a few times because of it.  And while his grades weren’t great as a Freshman, he was at least showing up.  During his sophomore year something happened and he became an A student.  It was kind of freaky to watch.  Nothing changed outwardly, he just excelled at his classes.  He had such good grades that at the end of 10th grade when he forecasted for 11th grade he picked multiple advanced classes that offered college credit.  He picked, on his own, Pre-calculus and Trig.  “Who does that?”  Says the mom that just barely passed “general math” in high school.  Unfortunately he struggled with the math and lost some self-confidence and fell back into not wanting to even show up.   He did show up, more than he did during that last year of middle school, and he did well in AP Biology, but math plagued him and his junior year was riddled with less than A grades.  But here we are, finally, in his senior year and gosh it’s going well.  He was really sick last week with some flu thing.  He threw up quietly Wednesday morning and when I told him he wasn’t going to school he argued with me about it.  Argued!  I won.  He didn’t go.  In fact, he was so ill he didn’t go for the rest of the week.  But the mere fact that he would argue with me over his need to be at school, because he likes it, was a turning point.


So this one is graduating and I am thrilled.  He’s been in the same school district since he started kindergarten.  For some people that’s a normal occurrence.  When I grew up it was not.  In fact I went to so many schools between kindergarten and high school that I cannot name them all.  My parents were educated gypsies and we moved all the time.  Sometimes twice in one school year.  My ex-husband’s family moved a lot too, albeit not as much as my family.  When we moved to the town we currently live in the oldest was in 4th grade and the youngest was getting ready to start kindergarten.  We knew we would not be moving until he graduated from high school because it was that important to both of us.  So here we are.


E started kindergarten with his best friend, who he met 5 months before kindergarten started when we moved into this town.  And in 116 days the two of them will graduate together, as best friends.  Have they been best friends throughout the 13 years?  No.  But they’ve stayed friends.  Over the years they went through periods of hanging out with other groups of people, trying to figure out who they were, but in the end they have returned to their best friend status and it is an amazing thing to witness.


Their birthdays are two weeks apart.  When they turned 5 they each received a Jeep as a gift.  Here is a picture:




This is a picture of them taken a couple weeks ago.  In an effort to recreate the above:





Anyway.  I love and adore both of my kids and without doubt both are special.  This kid tugs at my heart in a different manner than his brother and I am so very proud and excited for him and his future.  It made me want to write.  That is all.


Have a good day people.



Hello 2017!

Happy New Year People!  It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.


Over a year actually.


Time does indeed fly.


That being said, 2016 was not what I would call quick.  It wasn’t particularly bad, even though there were a handful of sucky moments – overall 2016 was a good year.


At the top of my list of sucky moments in 2016 would be my failure to complete a marathon that I didn’t train for.  Yeah.  You read that right.  I didn’t train.  At all.  But somehow I thought I was still going to get out there and run 26.2 miles.  It was stupid.  It was ugly and I called it quits at mile 15.  After I burst into tears and fell into Blue Eyes arms sobbing “I can’t do this.”


He simply said “Okay.  The car is over here.”  I was much more distraught over my failed attempt than he was.  It made no difference to him whether I ran the whole distance or only a portion of it.  He still thought I was pretty fucking cool.


2016 was the year Blue Eyes and I both turned 50.  He turned 50 first and for that occasion I threw him a surprise birthday party.  It was a huge surprise party with lots of friends and family in attendance.  You must understand Blue Eyes is an introvert in every sense of the word.  He likes people, sort of, but it is never his idea of a good time to be the center of attention.   When we arrived at the restaurant and everyone yelled “Surprise!” the look on his face was priceless.  He recovered though and enjoyed the party.




My 50th birthday was five months later and for the occasion Blue Eyes took me to my happy place in Oregon.  Cannon Beach.  We spent two nights at the coast and I got to wake up in my favorite place with my favorite person.  It was pretty spectacular.




Throughout the year we went to Seattle two or three times, spent a long weekend in Bend, and saw the coast more than once.  We even managed to steal away to Hawaii for a few days in October.




It was a short trip, but we watched some sunrises and sunsets


and rented a little cottage on the beach on the North Shore.  This is the view from the bed.  It was pretty nice to wake up to that!



BUT 2016 is over and we are here in 2017.  Finally.


Blue Eyes and I have been waiting for 2017 for a while.


My youngest son will turn 18 in May.  He will graduate from high school in June.  Blue Eyes and I will begin living together -full time- under the same roof, I hope, by July (a mere three years and four months since . . . well, you know ;)).  We will have a wedding (for everyone to witness), on August 12th, six years after meeting on Match.com and then in October we are off on our honeymoon for three weeks.


When I was dating a lot, six plus years ago, I always asked guys “If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go?”  Blue Eyes’ answer was Greece.  My answer has always been Italy.  This October both will happen and I can hardly wait.


Oh, and did I mention I get to wear a wedding dress in August?  Which means I bought a wedding dress in 2016.  I went to the bridal store and said “Show me something appropriate for a second wedding” the girl looked at me and said “Anything you like is appropriate for a second wedding.”  And with that I had a blast with my best girlfriend and tried on a number of things I would have never worn in my previous life.




I found the one.  And that one in the picture is not it, but its similar.  🙂  However, I refused to pay what the bridal store was asking so I found it on Ebay – from a bridal shop in another state – that had never been altered  (since it was a floor model).  It was quite a bit less.  It’s hanging in my closet now, waiting patiently for August 12.  Just like me.


Be well people!



Hello People 🙂

I hope you’re all well and wonderful.

I ran a marathon on Sunday and thought it appropriate to write a little something about it.

The last marathon I ran was Vancouver Washington in June of 2014, so it had been awhile.  My training was pretty great in the beginning but with school, work, my kids, my husband and a couple additional part time jobs it fell off and wasn’t what it should have been.  I considered not running it but that just didn’t seem right.

The Columbia Gorge Marathon is touted as one of the most breathtaking marathons because the majority of the run is along the old Columbia River Highway and the views are spectacular.  Here are a few pictures I took on the course to prove that fact.





It was beautiful.  Truly. 

But OY the hills.  It was a constant uphill climb that I was not prepared for.  It was an out and back course and yet it felt like a constant uphill in both directions even though I know that’s impossible. 

For the most part I did fine.  The turnaround point was 12 miles in.  Blue Eyes was waiting for me there with a hug and an encouraging word and I headed back.  At mile 16 I felt okay but could tell I was coming up on my wall.  Historically I hit the wall around mile 18. 

At mile 18 the sun went away, massive dark clouds appeared and the sky let loose with the coldest, hardest rain ever.  I started to sink mentally.  I rounded a corner and saw Blue Eyes and two of our friends cheering for me.  The friends had signs just for me (a first) and Blue Eyes had skittles.  The wall was pushed back a little and I powered up the hill to get back on the trail.

The trail was a little more than five miles before you come out and head down into the town of Hood River to the finish.  The trail is where I met the wall.

There was no shield from the rain, it was so cold and so hard that eventually I couldn’t feel my fingers.  I cried a bit, thought about quitting and then realized that no matter what I did I had to get to the end of the trail before anyone could come get me and if I made it that far it was just another 2.5 miles downhill to the finish.  So I sucked it up.

I came around a corner near the end of the trail and saw a figure on the side of the trail standing there.  The form was familiar but I was too far away to think anything else.  When I got closer I saw that it was my best girlfriend who I did not expect.  Especially not there.

Here are some pictures she took at that moment…



This was mile 23.5.

That smile had very little to do with the marathon and everything to do with seeing a friendly face and hearing her scream “you got this!”

She was right.  I had it.  I finished 2.5 miles later and got my reward.  Another medal and a well deserved hug from the hubby.




And then there was beer…..

Be well people!

Feels like I’ve abandoned this blog, however I think simply not having time for it is more accurate.  Life is busy.  Life is good. 

This blog was started from sadness.  I thought the love of my life had just dumped me and I wasn’t sure I was going to survive it.  This blog gave me an outlet and anonymity.  Fabulous strangers told me they understood and sympathized with me. 

Somehow I moved beyond the sadness and spent a lot of time dating a lot of people.  Sometimes there was no date.  Only sex.  It was an interesting period and I cringe at some of my memories, laugh at others and am grateful for most.

I joined Match.com at the very end of July 2011.  It was such a yucky experience that my profile only stayed visible for 11 days.  I met a lot of jerks in 11 days.  Blue Eyes and I exchanged phone numbers during those 11 days but he didn’t actually contact me until after I’d shut my profile down.  I was so jaded and skeptical and sick of wasting my time when he asked to get together I said no.  He asked again and to get him to leave me alone I made our first meeting very difficult on him, with ridiculous location and time specifics.  I told him I only had 27 minutes to spare and if he was late it was his problem, not mine.  None of this phased him.

After that first meeting we dated for awhile and I decided he was too nice.  Too nice.  I broke up with him three months after we started dating because he was too nice. 

Six weeks later he called me out of the blue and asked me out.  Life has been pretty spectacular since that moment.  Ups, downs, twists and turns but spectacular nonetheless.

He has been my husband for a little over a year, yet our wedding is 27 months away.  We do not live under one roof, yet we spend every possible moment together.  I wouldn’t suggest this course of action to anyone, but it works for us right now.

My very best girlfriend took some photographs of us recently.  As I scrolled through them I saw how this lovely man looks at me, how I look at him and what love and happiness looks like, despite the day to day trials of life.





I love this man and all of his niceness.  Despite my personal feelings about Match.com I will forever be grateful that they made “us” possible.

Be well people!