It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood. At lunch I took a walk to run an errand. That took 15 minutes. Leaving 45 minutes to just walk and enjoy the sun. As I walked I realized that I was looking at just about every man that passed me – I also noticed that I was noticing when men noticed me, like that determined my value; how many men took notice of me, in a positive way, as I walked down the street. What the hell is that about?
A man dumps me and now every man must notice me or I’m not alright? I have a real problem with that.
First I need to deal with the fact that a man dumped me.
Did he dump me because I was defective? Absolutely not. He dumped me because he loved me so much that he wanted to spend a life time with me and I couldn’t and wouldn’t give him that, at least not right now and he wasn’t willing and didn’t think it was fair to his daughter (or himself even though he didn’t say that) to wait as long as I would have made him wait. . . which if I’m honest would have been about 6 more years. He had already waited 2+.
So, this wonderful and kind man thought I was pretty exceptional. Love of his life material and dumped me for legitimate reasons that I understand – yet I have not gotten past the feelings of rejection from being dumped. And let’s not forget that I wasn’t really sure the really great, kind, thoughtful and wonderful man was one I would ever be able to commit my life to – there were things that shouted at me “get out” – yet I stayed instead of being alone.
Now I’m alone and feeling rejected and looking for approval from random men on the street who happen to notice me as I walk by. WTF?!
I need this self-imposed year off and if I haven’t quit that bullshit in a year I will need some more time.
Walk down the street, happy and content because I’m me. Not because a man smiles at me, looks at me, tries to talk to me.
When I’m out try NOT to notice men. Refocus that energy. On what? Alright, possibly look at the women on the street and think of something complimentary about them, tell them if it’s possible. It’ll take so much effort to think of something complimentary about all the women that pass me, I will not have time to notice the men, right? I hope so.
I believe this will get easier. It’s been 8 days since Nice Guy dumped me.
Lord help me.