- Right after the event I called and left a blubbering voice mail message.
- Shortly after that I called again, a little more pulled together, no blubbering, left another message.
- He didn’t call me back. I knew he wouldn’t; I knew that when I left the messages.
- Tried to go to sleep; couldn’t sleep.
- Wrote an email trying to “fix” the situation, offer suggestions to change this final outcome (that in my heart I knew was the right thing); hit SEND.
- Next morning I woke up feeling better and wrote another email about feeling better but being sad that the whole event took place over the phone; expressed my need and desire for some kind of physical closure, a hug?
- Mid-morning, same day sent a third email that said I was sorry I had sent the prior ones. Thanks for a wonderful 2+ years; hit SEND.
- I mailed his daughter a card apologizing for not remembering her birthday with anything more than a voice mail message. On the card I put a sticky note that said “Thanks again for an extraordinary and very special two plus years.” Mailed it.
- On the 4th day he sent me an email at 11:25 p.m. quoting what I had written on the sticky note and writing his reply which was “I NEVER could have done it without you . . for that I am eternally grateful.”
- On the 5th day I picked up the phone and tried to call him; got his machine, did not leave a message or try his cell phone.
- On the 7th day I wrote him a letter I had no intention of sending, I think I wrote it for myself and I didn’t finish it because in the middle I started thinking of scenarios that would allow me to see him one more time. Thought about calling him – tried to distract myself, never called. Thankfully my brother called me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours and the urge to call passed.
- Today is day 8. I was doing okay until I called to listen to a voice mail message I received today and the phone had to play an old one of his that I had not yet deleted. A nice, sweet, loving message. Damn. No, I didn’t delete it.
I will not call him. At least not today. I have something I want to give him but I can mail it as easily as I can hand it to him. Selfishly I want to hand it to him, because somehow I think that seeing him one last time, getting that closure “hug” and maybe a kiss would do me good.
Somehow that’s what I think.