Yesterday I was bent on seeing him.
The fantasy of nakedness and his touch just one more time to help me on my way to singleness was strong.
After speaking to him on the phone and hearing him say he’d call me on Saturday to try to get together (I just asked for 5 minutes even though I know (and I think he knows) I want more) made the fantasy even hotter.
Wait, rewind that phone conversation . . . did he say “it sounds like you have something up your sleeve?” Shit. Yes, he did say that. What was my response again? Hmmm, let me think. I said “No, I just have some things I want to give you, that I suppose I could mail, but I’d prefer to give them to you in person.” Alright, that was a lie.
Let’s analyze what I really want: (a) him to see and remember clearly that he believes I am the love of his life; (b) him to see how not broken up I am over this separation; (c) to have him hug me, because no one has ever hugged me so well; (d) to give him a kiss that will cause an immediate erection and will quite possibly lead to nakedness on both our parts. I have to admit, I have something up my sleeve.
What I’m not taking into consideration is the man, himself. I have spent the last two years and four months with this man. I know who he is. I know what he is. I know how strong his resolve is.
He is a Christian man, first and foremost who, at the age of 55 believes sex outside of marriage is a sin. That’s right. Two years and four months with no sex. Before you feel sorry for me, don’t. While we did not have sex in the true sense of the word, his hands did amazing things to my body, oral sex was on the table, and oh my, my, my he could kiss. The problem is/was that after these encounters it fucked with his mind. BECAUSE he is a Christian man, first and foremost.
Now that he has done the right thing: gotten out of a situation where his desires may derail his righteous walk with God. Will my appearance and his love for me, 11 days after he dumped me really be enough to get this man to take off his clothes one last time? That’s the question.
After a decent night’s sleep, I’m not sure it will.
After a decent night’s sleep, I’m not sure that bothers me.
After a decent night’s sleep, I’m not sure the meeting is necessary.
After a decent night’s sleep, I think I’ll see if he actually calls on Saturday.
If he doesn’t call, the shit will go in the mail and I will take another step towards letting him go.