The sun is shining today. While this may not be significant to most of the world, for those of us living in the Pacific Northwest, it’s an exceptional bit of reality. It is, after all, July 26th. Summer. We had two days of sun and warm temperatures back to back this past weekend (one of those days included our warmest day of the year at 86). Then it rained, and broke the record of TWO. Today is reported to be the first of a SIX day no-rain-and-plenty-of-sun-and-warm-weather trend. Can we handle that? Collectively, I think we’re up for the challenge.
All of that to say it’s a good day.
Today I’m two weeks out from B telling me he didn’t think we should see each other anymore. Two weeks. It’s interesting how different it feels two weeks out. Why I can’t remember this, I’ll never know. Possibly I don’t remember because my experience with dating, men, relationships, etc., is very little.
At 45 I can count the serious relationships I have been in throughout my lifetime on 2 fingers. The first was my ex-husband who I spent 23 years with (4 years of dating/living together and 19 years married); the second was B (2 years, 4 months of dating with one month of separation about 9 months ago). That’s it. In high school I did not date. No one ever asked. Right after high school, as I lived on my own in San Francisco, I went through an 8 month period of dating anyone who looked at me sideways, but not one of those dates ever turned into a second date, it was really just something to do. Even with all of that dating, I can count on one hand the men I’ve had an intimate, naked encounter with. I say “intimate, naked encounter” simply so I may include B, since we never had sexual intercourse. So there you have it. 45 years old, 2 relationships, 5 different sexual partners. Not much in the way of experience.
Maybe the lack of experience transcends into a lot of my worries: that I will never be in another relationship; that I will never meet another good man; that my expectations and what I want in a man/relationship are unrealistic. Possibly if B had been my 7th relationship instead of only my 2nd I’d have been more secure in the belief that it just didn’t work out and there will be more opportunities for love in my future.
Possibly my lack of experience did not prepare me for what I think I miss MOST about B. Our general friendship. Unlike my ex-husband, B was the person I told everything to, even the most mundane bits of information and he always acted and responded as if it was all very important and worthy of his time to hear it. After being married to a man for 19 years who cut me off mid-sentence and told me to cut the unnecessary crap from recital about ANYTHING – to enjoy long, sometimes pointless (beyond getting to know each other better) conversations with a man was amazing, special and life changing.
Many times over the course of the last two weeks I have had multiple urges to call B and tell him something that happened, or might happen, or would be funny if it happened, all based on information passed between us over the course of our relationship – but that’s not our relationship anymore.
So, today is better. My thoughts were different when I woke. Clearer. I have this ongoing fantasy that when I see B tomorrow evening he will do what he did the last time he broke up with me and tell me he made a mistake and wants to see me again. That’s the fantasy. When I woke this morning, I thought about the REALITY. The reality is that even IF he does that (and I don’t think he will), I have to say no.
After that sobering thought I am still looking forward to seeing B tomorrow. But I’m looking forward to it differently. I’m looking forward to catching up with a friend, who happens to be a man I am in love with. I’m happy and sure of many things: there will be laughter, good conversation and at the end, some sadness.