I almost crossed that line today. Thank God for girlfriends. Especially the one who texted me out of my fugue state at precisely the right moment and stopped me from doing something stupid and pathetic.
I spent the morning running, biking and running again at the All Women’s Sprint Duathlon — it was awesome, but that’s for my other blog. I mention it here simply to point out I was not sitting at home, alone (since my children are with their father this weekend) having a pity party and missing B. Cause I certainly COULD have been doing that. After the event I showered and changed all while being totally impressed with me and all that I’m capable of doing these days. I’m so flippin different from the person I was 3, 5, 10 years ago that I just make it a standard practice to frequently remind myself how bitchin I really am (at least with respect to the physical side of my life).
Hungry, I went to Whole Foods to pick up some salad rolls (yum) — as is generally the case (at least over the last almost 3 weeks) when I pull into their parking lot, I worry (or is that hope) that B will not (or is that will?) be there. You know, it’s a problem that we live so close to each other and frequent the same grocery stores — I had this same problem when I divorced my husband and he didn’t move out of our small town — luckily the town has a Safeway AND an Albertson’s — I let him keep Safeway in the divorce, and I began shopping at Albertson’s — with B, it’s not that simple. I refuse to give up my addiction to Whole Foods for any man and I couldn’t even begin to imagine where the next closest one is — probably downtown or over in Southeast. Way too far — so instead I play this little mind game of worry/hope.
His car stands out, not because its different, it’s a mini cooper, but because of the custom paint job he has on it. So it takes only seconds to know whether he is there. This time he was not, the coast was clear. After I came out I went over to Jamba Juice for my favorite cold fruity thing they make — while I was cruising the parking lot for a space, I saw his car.
That was my first thought.
I knew he wasn’t in JJ. If I had to guess I was betting he was in the frozen yogurt place that is across from JJ. So my second thought was that I’d park all the way across the parking lot, walk straight to JJ, get my smoothy, walk back to my car, get in and drive away.
While I walked towards JJ, the little voice in my head told me to quit acting like I had this all under control. I think she said something like “Wake the fuck up. You know you want him to see you because you look and feel good today! You know you want to see him, just because, you want to see him, and your pathetic.”
She was right on all counts. After I got my smoothy I sat in the sun and acted as if I had nothing else going on, because I wanted him to see me. I even sat in a place that, were he actually in the yogurt shop, he’d see me, but I wouldn’t have obviously seen his car. I’m pathetic. It was way to hot to be sitting where I was sitting with the sun beating down on me, but it was the only spot that wouldn’t look obvious, yet he wouldn’t miss me when he went back to his car. Did I mention how pathetic I am?
I sat there for 15 minutes and then my girlfriend texted me — inquiring about our plans for the evening. It woke me up and made me think WTF is wrong with me? I’ve actually got things I want to do today and they don’t really involve having some ridiculous conversation with a man who I’m not seeing anymore that will cause an immediate sense of sadness on such a beautiful day.
I think I literally jumped out of my seat and ran to my car and then I called her as I headed out of the lot and thanked her from saving me from doing something stupid. While I’m okay, on occasion, with being pathetic — I do not want to be stupid.
When I got to the corner I saw him, sitting at a table outside, about 200 yards from where I had been sitting. He wasn’t alone, but it wasn’t a girl and that must have been all I really needed — I really didn’t want to break my 3 day streak of no contact — somehow I believe if I can make it at least 30 days with no contact I’ll be over the hurdle.
That sounds reasonable. . . right?