This morning, while I should have been working, I made a list of things I needed to do tonight after work. I’m taking my boys home to spend 5 glorious days with my family and the list of things “to do” before we go seems to expand from one second to the next.
At the top of my list was “stop at Whole Foods to pick up a couple of things.” When I wrote that on my list my conscious mind thought: “stop by Whole Foods for x, y, and z.” About half an hour later, as I was actually working, my subconscious mind floated up to the surface to whisper “stopping at Whole Foods could give rise to an opportunity to run into B.” Really?
I sat with that for a while wondering if my need to write “stop at Whole Foods” on my list in the first place was truly done because I need stuff from there, or was it more because I may run into him. How long must I play this game with myself, since clearly he is not a willing participant in my psychosis.
While the whole thing was troubling, I brightened at the idea that possibly my recognizing the issue was a step in the right direction – a splash of the cold, hard, reality that, while I believe I’m moving on with my life, subconsciously I am not.
It’s been 20 days since he decided we shouldn’t see each other anymore (sounds a lot less harsh than what I originally wrote –> “since he dumped me”), and only 5 days since our last contact.
UGH! I want to be done with this. I want to be over it. I want to go through my days without having a conversation about our breaking up with someone who responds “awwww, how sweet” when I admit he was a really great guy and tell them he said I was the love of his life, blah, blah, blah. And, if I must have momentary sadness in my day, I’d like it to be over something that does not include B. Is that really asking too much?
I know I need to quit talking about the breakup with people – but apparently I have not yet managed to tell EVERYONE who knew we were dating since pretty much on a daily basis I’m running into people who ask how he’s doing, what our plans are for the upcoming weekend, blah, blah, blah, blah. And saying “we’re not seeing each other anymore” does not end the conversation – they act surprised and say stupid shit like “but he was so in love with you, I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you and when he talked about you.” I do realize those comments are only classified as “stupid shit” now because we aren’t seeing each other anymore. Four weeks ago I would have enjoyed hearing it, now it’s literally the very last thing I want to hear.
As an aside I think it’s important (to me) to note that when I left my husband, a man I had been with for 23 years, and I told people we were getting a divorce, 98% of the time I heard one of three responses: (a) “I wondered how long you were going to live like that,” (b) “Good for you!” or my all-time favorite from my closest girlfriends (yes, plural) (c) “’Bout time, what the hell were you waiting for?”
I took an extended lunch today and pampered myself at Dosha. I had the most wonderful and relaxing facial ever. When it was over, I walked around downtown a bit longer — enjoying the sun, giving myself some time to think. Subconsciously I walked into the Pearl and found myself at Whole Foods. Not to get x, y, and z — to get some lunch. The light bulb went on as I was standing in line and I promptly excused myself and went to get x, y and z.
As I walked back to my office I was pretty pleased with myself — I had just eliminated, on my own, the possibility of running into B. A small, but significant step in the right direction.
Now if only Wednesday would get here so I can get on a plane, head all the way across the country, hang out with my brothers, sister and parents and submerge myself in all that is sarcastic, silly and really, really comfortable about those people I adore, who have known me my whole entire life. . . there will be no time to think about B, no chance to accidentally set up running into him, no small talk about the break up and most importantly, if I choose to talk about B with my brother that I am the closest to, he will lay a bit of his harsh, straight forward, no bullshit opinions about my life on me, and I will listen, reflect, take what I want from it, trash the rest and I will have no desire to talk about it again.
When I get back to the Pacific Northwest it will be 28 days since the breakup and 13 days with no contact — that’s gotta feel better right?