For the last 5 1/2 months I have had an unrelenting desire to lay on a beach.
When the desire started to fester it was late March. The rest of the country seemed to be having a nice, warm spring while we were having rain and really cold temperatures.
To make it worse, I went to San Francisco for a long weekend at the beginning of April. Anyone who is familiar with SF knows the end of March and the beginning of April are questionable weather times; highly susceptible to rain, rain and more rain. This year it was beautiful, sunny and warm. But I was only there for 4 days and Ocean Beach is not a beach to be laid out on, at least not in April. So while the trip gave me the needed shot of Sun, it did nothing to quench my desire to lay on a beach.
Record lows and record high rainfall continued at home through the rest of April, May, June and even the beginning of July. Really. I love living here, but I totally get those who DON’T. When I started craving a vertical position on a sandy beach, I questioned my own choices about my home base. But it is what it is, and I’m here, for at least another 6 years.
I thought about taking my kids to Hawaii for 5 days over Labor Day weekend. I thought about it so hard that I asked for the time off from work, made kennel arrangements for my dog and talked to my sister about hotel reservations (she works for Hilton). I didn’t tell my kids though because the rational side of me knows two things.
First, I have school clothes to buy that weekend and spending the money that I would spend taking the boys to Hawaii does not make good sense, because I will still have to buy school clothes. Second, and probably more importantly, if I, for a second, think my ex-husband is going to allow me to have both boys for another big block of time during the summer I am delusional. So I’m not going to Hawaii.
Interestingly, a very cool woman I know is in the process of moving to Hawaii to go after her dreams. I am in awe of her and the strength, self-love and perseverance, despite great moments of doubt, she has exhibited. At best she inspires me to be happy being me, at worst she reminds me that there are things I want out of this life that I must not forget or lose sight of. Right now, it’s this unrelenting desire to lie on a beach.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m not really broken up about canceling Hawaii over Labor Day weekend because I think I need to lie on the beach alone. Boyfriendless and kid free.
As a matter of fact, 3 months ago when I expressed this desire to lie on a beach to B, who at the time was my boyfriend, I never spoke about it as if I wanted him to come with me. He proposed we go to Hawaii during Christmas break with his daughter and my boys. Yea, right. No. I dismissed that idea almost immediately, even though I considered taking my boys at Christmas, alone.
Today I’m thinking about it differently. Sun is out, the air is warm, my city is lovely, but I still want desperately to find a tropical climate and just lay on the beach.
The obvious questions are when and where. When? After a week with me at Christmas the boys spend a week with their father. That’s a good when. Spring Break 2012 they are also with their father, since Spring Break 2011 they were with me.
I already made plans to bike Seattle with a girlfriend the first weekend of Spring Break, but the rest of that week is open — I feel a plan is starting to form. While it’s not fully developed at the very least, I know I’m heading in the right direction.
While the summer weather is upon us, my beautiful beach and bright blue sky desire will simmer in the background of my life. Once the rain begins again, the desire will become urgent once more.
I am hopeful by that time my plan will be fully formed and arrangements will be made. I will simply have to count down the days to reach the reality.
Me, alone, in a tropical paradise.