While I’m still struggling to get past this break up with B, I have had the great displeasure of thinking a lot about my ex-husband. I think it has something to do with the fact that I was not nearly this broken up over the death of my 23 year relationship with the asshole. That kind of scares me.
My ex-husband was a little controlling. I have to own my responsibility in the situation. While he was controlling, I responded to his controlling behavior in a way that did not challenge it — I submitted to it, allowed it to happen, acted as if I was fine with it (because I was fine with it for the first 18 years), and he therefore did not have any reason to change.
A week before I told him I wanted a divorce I changed jobs. I started on a Wednesday. It was a great opportunity for me and I was extremely excited to have been given the job. The ex was not so happy about it because the people I worked with were unknown.
Wednesday through Friday of the first week when I would talk to him on the phone he would berate me for treating him so poorly in the presence of new people. Treating him poorly consisted of me not talking loudly to him on the phone from my office so everyone would know I was talking to my husband; refusing to call him from the table, in the middle of a lunch with co-workers so he could be sure I was doing what I said I was doing, and for speaking to the parking attendant nicer than I spoke to him. He knew this because it was a requirement that I talk to him on my cell phone from the time I got out of my truck to the time I entered my office so he could be sure I made it safely. In the course of that time he overheard me exchanging pleasantries with the parking attendant and he didn’t like it.
The firm was small and every night he would ask me to tell him everything about the 4 other people in the office (3 women, 1 man). By the following Monday he couldn’t take it anymore and had to come in and see for himself.
He brought me the biggest bouquet of flowers in a beautiful vase. You know, because he’s the perfect, loving husband. I introduced him to the receptionist and peeked into the male attorneys office to see if he was available. He was on the phone, but my ex was instantly pissed questioning “what that look was” that I gave the attorney.
Please understand that I didn’t think any of this was out of the ordinary. This was my life with my husband and I was use to it, knew how to react, or not react, and knew what he thought was appropriate and not appropriate. I worked hard every moment of every day not to make him angry or do “those things” that I knew would set him off. One of the fundamental problems, however, was the things that set him off were always changing.
When I introduced him to the only female attorney that was there that day he was cordial, joked with her, had a grand conversation and they both said how nice it was to meet the other. Introductions were over and I walked him out.
When I talked to him on my way home that day (he insisted that I speak to him while I drove to work, at 8, 10, 12, 2, 4 and while I drove home) he said “was it just me or did she have a protective lesbian vibe going on?” I laughed because I thought he was joking. I had worked with these people for 4 days. I didn’t know if anyone was gay or not. I didn’t think she was gay, I certainly didn’t get a lesbian vibe from her (whatever THAT is) but how should I know?! He seemed to accept what I said and I thought that was the end of it. I was wrong.
That night when I got up to use the restroom around 3 in the morning he was wide awake. That was weird because he slept pretty hard generally. When I got back in bed I said “hey, are you okay?” And he said “No. I need you to tell me that when I left the office today K (the female attorney) didn’t take you in the back room, kiss you and tell you that you could do better!” He was livid and dead fucking serious. That, ladies and gentlemen was the moment I knew I had to get the hell out of that marriage.
Two days later I made the words come out of my mouth and I did not take them back.
I did a little crying here and there over the end of the marriage, over the pain my children were experiencing, over the end of some future plans we had. I cried a little.
But it was nothing compared to what I’ve been feeling over B.
I have two voice mail messages on my cell phone that I have not yet deleted from B. They don’t play every time, but they play periodically when I have to re-save them. They both make me cry when I hear them and I know I should delete them, but I can’t just yet.
I slipped up on my “no contact” pact with myself and sent B some tickets to the Street of Dreams. My company is a sponsor and we get free tickets. A couple of months ago, when I found out about the tickets, I thought possibly we could all go together, us and the kids — or at the very least the two of us would go together. Now that isn’t a possibility, but I still felt the urge to send him two tickets so he could take his daughter. I sent them with a note that said I hoped he was well. Dropping it in the mail I tried to convince myself there was nothing behind it. But that was bullshit.
I hoped he would call me to thank me so I could talk to him again, even if it was brief and all I got to say was “you’re welcome.” THAT was why I sent him the tickets.
He hasn’t called me and I have to face the fact that he may not. Even though that’s not like him. I just have to remember that he is trying to move past this too and not calling me may be in HIS best interest, even if I don’t think it’s in mine.
J, the online dating guy who I was going to see before I went on vacation (but didn’t because I cancelled on him), sent me a text today to see if I was back in town. It was nice that he thought about me again even though I had not thought about him. I think we’ll be trying to get together tomorrow to go for a walk — while I’m not overly excited about it, it will be a nice distraction on a day I’m without my kids and have no plans. I’ll get some exercise, and it will guarantee a couple of hours when I’m not crying over B or waiting for him to call.
I hope the sun comes out early.