I picked it up and looked down.
“I think I’m realizing that for my tastes, I do NOT get to see you enough.”
Those are the words the very sweet guy with the pretty blue eyes and dark brown hair texted me yesterday afternoon. This was right after we spent a couple of hours together, on what felt like a summer day (at the end of October!), walking the waterfront. He was either on his way home or had already arrived home when he sent the text. I was sitting in an afternoon meeting.
The text made me groan. Audibly. I forgot where I was until the CFO, who was talking, stopped mid-sentence and said “is everything all right?!” OMG, REALLY, is this what I’ve come to in my life? Am I causing an unnecessary scene in the middle of a rather important meeting that I’m supposed to be paying attention at? Can it be any more awkward?
“Um, yes. Everything’s fine. Just kid stuff.” That lie produced a few understanding nods and caused the CFO to launch into a little diddy about his teenage daughter before getting back to the business at hand. Thankfully, everyone stopped looking at me – if they had kept looking at me, they surely would have been able to tell I was lying, since I don’t lie well.
Damn! Seeing that statement flash across my phone felt like the beginning of something getting ready to fall apart.
This must be why Dr. Laura insists you should not date until your children are out of high school. I just never thought that sounded reasonable. Truthfully, I still don’t. But I’m seeing signs that point to the fact that she may be more right than I gave her credit for.
With my limited experience with men I see the pattern. You start dating, getting to know each other, you start to see potential and have fun with one another and before you know it you want to spend as much time as possible with that person. All free moments should be spent together, because that’s what you both want and it helps build the relationship. Except in my current situation, and quite frankly in my last situation with B, it simply doesn’t work that way for me. Shit, if I’m being really honest it didn’t work that way in my marriage and that may be one of the reasons I wanted out so bad. I didn’t want to spend all my time with him.
In my marriage I had no choice. He required it and I obeyed as a good wife would (or so I thought). I did not do things with other people because that would mean I didn’t care about him, desire his company, feel like he was my “best friend.” All those things were true, at least for the last 5 years of our marriage. I didn’t care, desire his company or feel like he was my best friend. I didn’t want to spend all my time with him.
I still don’t want to spend all my time with a man. And the current man is a far cry from the ex.
I am happy and content to see him every other weekend and maybe once or twice during the week for a limited amount of time. I don’t need more, at least not yet and I certainly don’t want more.
Blue eyes and I have had the conversation that I am not ready to be in a “relationship,” I am not interested and won’t date anyone else, but we are “friends” – nothing more. He gets it, I know he does. Yet he is far ahead of me on the emotional front in this dating situation. UGH.
When I groaned in the meeting the thought that passed through my head was “SHIT! B let this schedule go on for 2 ½ years before he cried uncle. Blue eyes didn’t make it 3 months. Surely B deserves some kind of a freaking medal.”
Not sure what I’m going to do about this. It obviously requires another conversation, but as optimistic as I am trying to be these days I don’t know if this bodes well.
We’ll be spending some concentrated time together this weekend and while I know the conversation needs to happen, I’m inclined to wait for him to bring it up again. The situation as is works for me – if it really doesn’t work for him he will say something, right?
I like him, a lot. He’s a nice guy with a kind heart, but I don’t know how concerned I am about this falling apart.
Wondering what that says about me.