Last night before I fell asleep I cried.
I’m not opposed to crying. I actually appreciate the release of emotions crying allows every now and again, but it upset me last night.
I was crying over B.
3½ months after the relationship ended. 48 days since our last contact.
Still crying. Upsetting.
When will this end?
Thankfully I did not wake up wallowing in my bullshit. So that’s a plus, but I hate that a little discomfort in my otherwise perfect life lends itself to me missing B and mourning the loss.
I even said last night, out loud, “I don’t even want you anymore, I just MISS you.” It was kind of an angry bit of delusional self-pity. I think.
Yesterday sucked. Not horribly, it could have been so much worse, but it sucked nonetheless. On my way to work one of my tires blew out in a wicked way – it was literally long flowing shreds of rubber when I got myself to the side of the road.
I was immediately thankful for a few things.
First, I wasn’t on the freeway, as I normally am. I had made a weird decision not to take the freeway, like God whispered in my ear and said “skip it” when I went to cut in front of a car to get on I-5. I did skip it and less than 50 feet later my tire blew. Thanks God. Good looking out.
Next, there was no accident. The tire blew (which I didn’t hear because my stereo was cranked up kind of loud) and then the handling was immediately fucked up. “Hmmm, what’s up with that” was my first thought as I turned down my stereo, smelled rubber and then heard something (a long piece of rubber) slapping the side of my car. I pulled to the side of the road, jumped out, looked at the lovely decorative thing that was once a tire and humbly, thanked God again.
Finally, I was thankful that my son was not driving my car. While he believes he is an exceptional driver, he is only almost (32 days) 18 years old and has only been driving for 2 years. The accident that might have ensued had he been driving might have left me heartsick for life. Again, thank you God.
But the ordeal of the day left me missing B.
The tire blew at 6:40 a.m. Because it was rush hour, a tow truck didn’t get to me until 9:00 a.m. (Wouldn’t have been so bad, except I had to pee and there was no place close enough to walk to with a restroom so I was uncomfortable). I didn’t get to Les Schwab until 10, where they told me I needed all new tires and a brake job – The tires cost me $800 that I was not expecting to spend and the brake job, which I put off until next Friday is costing me $850. Not Nice.
I didn’t get to work until noon. Which was fine, everyone knew what was going on, but cramming 8 hours of work into a 4 hour truncated day gave me a flipping large headache.
There was a lot of emotion yesterday and no release valve. That’s where missing B came in.
Had yesterday occurred while we were still dating I would have called him after calling the tow truck driver and he would have made me laugh, brought me coffee, took me some place to pee and would have kept me company til the tow truck arrived. He even would have followed me to Les Schwab and kept me company while I waited. We probably would have gone and had lunch and he would have pointed out that while I didn’t anticipate spending $800 on tires or $850 on brakes, at least I had it to spend and wasn’t that something else to be grateful for? Then he would have sent me on my way to work. He would have called me in the evening to see how the rest of my day went and we would have talked again about all the things to be thankful for about the day. The emotional buildup would have never occurred.
I know it would have played out like that because I know B. I miss that aspect of the relationship. His undying reliability. His thoughtfulness. The way he cared about me.
I miss it.
I did converse with Blue Eyes over the course of the day. He’s a good guy and he reacted appropriately, but he doesn’t know me, yet, like B knew me. He doesn’t know what I require in situations like that and I don’t know how to explain it, so he is at a loss. Not through any fault of his, I realize, but damn. .
Emotional build up leading to an emotional explosion of tears. Not pretty.