So, hmmm, trying to work through things rolling around in my head, figure out what I’m doing, try to make sense of it all and do what I need to do.
In my head it looks and feels shaky, iffy, even a little mean and nasty. I’m hopeful that clarity, while elusive, may come by seeing it on “paper.” Even if the paper simply exists on my computer screen.
The purpose of dating someone is to get to know them. To see, if after the initial attraction, physical or otherwise, there is any substance. Substance necessary to build upon and develop . . . what? A meaningful, life long relationship? Is that it? Because if it is, that might possibly be my problem. At this time in my life, I am not in the market for a life long relationship.
I can’t say “I just want to have fun,” because that’s not it either. I like the feeling of dating someone regularly. I like the comfort of it. I like knowing that next Friday I’ll get to see a guy who enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me. I like regular, safe sex with the same partner. But right now, that’s it.
Blue eyes really likes me. While I think I’m worthy of someone really liking me, he has not known me long enough to like me the way that he likes me. We’ve only been dating for 10 weeks. Every other weekend and maybe a couple of hours during the week. That pairs 10 weeks down to 5 weekends. If I saw him two days each of those weekends (which is generous since one of those weekends I ran a marathon and another I had prior plans with a girlfriend) and then we consider I saw him once a week for lunch we would total out to 20 days. 20 days out of 70. When I do the math, it does not equate to “I’ve really fallen for you,” “I just want to spend all my time with you,” or “You are my perfect woman.” It just doesn’t.
After not having sex for 2 1/2 years, I think I’ve been in a sex-induced-fog, if you will. As is generally the case, fog burns off. The fog is lifting and I’m realizing that there are things about blue eyes I’m not okay with.
I have to say he’s a really, really nice guy. Pretty laid back and easy-going. I like aspects of that.
Early on I asked him what made him angry. It took him a freakishly long time to come up with one thing. That was fascinating to me. Not good or bad, but fascinating. At the time, I think this was our second date, I remember thinking, “wow, that’s kind of cool.” My ex-asshole got angry at so many things on any given day it was hard to keep track of it all, and even if you wrote down today what set him off, it didn’t necessarily mean it would set him off tomorrow. Someone who had to think for at least ten minutes about what made him angry, and then only came up with one thing, was truly fascinating.
I still find it fascinating, but I’m not sure I’m still “wowed” by it.
In addition to that he has no real motivation or drive to do, well . . . much of anything. This is a problem for me. Really.
The lack of motivation touches a few spots in his life. The one that bothers me the most has to do with his job.
He has a respectable job, but it’s not a permanent job and he’s only guaranteed one day of work a week. Initially I admonished myself for my shallow nature. I thought, and told a couple of girlfriends, the one problem I had with him was his job, that I wished he had a better one. I heard “at least he has a job,” blah, blah, blah, and that’s true. But this is a tough one for me.
I’m all for dreamers. I was married to a quazi-dreamer for 19 years. That may be the problem. I financially supported said dreamer on two separate occasions during our marriage, four years at a time, while he dreamed of what his ideal job would be (race car driver) and tried to do it. It was hard emotionally and physically and during the second stint I landed in ICU for 6 nights because I worked myself into exhaustion and had such a low immune system that pneumonia almost killed me. They said “I’m not sure she’s going to live through the night,” when my ex-asshole rushed me to the ER, after coming home from a race to find me non-responsive.
I won’t put myself in a position where I might possibly be faced with supporting a man again. Can’t do it.
There are other things that trigger a twitch in my eye about Blue eyes, but the serious “like” thing he has going on for me and his lack of motivation are the biggies. This feels mean and nasty to me, regardless of the depth of honesty within it.
It’s okay for me to want what I want. That’s what dating is for, right? Didn’t we define that earlier? To find out if there is any substance? Not one-sided substance, but mutual substance.
The sex is great, his eyes are dreamy and he is a really nice guy, but frankly, the substance is nonexistent.
Sigh . . . guess I know what I have to do.