Today was a great day! It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood. The sun is shining bright, but damn is it cold. Such a good day!!
I ran this morning. Nine point seven miles. That’s a record for me on a morning I have to go to work. I usually run two at a minimum, six at a maximum and eight if I feel the need to push my time limits. Today I just didn’t want to stop and since I was averaging a 9:42 pace I didn’t have to!!
There was a lot of trash floating around in my head this morning. Running allowed me the time to rummage through some of the garbage and throw it away. There is more to toss, no doubt, but I still need to work through it.
**Blue eyes came down to my office two days ago. He called and asked, after he was already in the neighborhood, if I could spare five minutes. Man, I don’t like that I can’t just say no. I had not visually seen him in a long while. He wanted me to explain why I thought it was necessary to not see each other anymore. So I did. He said he understood it, but asked if we could still be friends. I’m thinking no, but I didn’t say that because it seemed mean and he’s a nice guy. I said we could be friends, but he should realize that I don’t talk to some of my friends for months at a time and he would probably fall into that category, if I was being honest. He was okay with that. So we parted friends. Actually took 20 minutes to go through all that and on the way back to my office my “missing B” feelings welled up like a freaking volcano. No tears, but they were right behind the eyeballs just waiting for me to give them the go-ahead. I didn’t.
This morning as I ran, I tossed all that garbage out.
**Yesterday was a good day. It started to get tripped up however when the other guy I’m not interested in called me. To be fair I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested because I was still on the fence about the holiday party he invited me to. So it was reasonable that he should call. Unfortunately my tolerance level was kind of low after one too many meetings, including one that kept me later than usual, and I was worried my not nice self would show herself. She doesn’t come out often, but I was teetering on the brink yesterday when he called and didn’t know if I could hold it together.
My resolve held and I was nice. So was he. He didn’t say anything stupid to irritate my overly sensitive nature and he even made me laugh a few times. We even managed to have a grown up conversation about why we probably weren’t compatible. That was right before he asked me if I would still come to his holiday party with him. No pressure, but he liked my company and it was less than 2 weeks away. It was a weird phenomenon. I had been feeling bad because I had somewhat murky intentions of using him for two weeks, since I thought I wanted to go to the party and once we talked about not being compatible and he still wanted me to go to the party I was relieved of my sleazy user tendencies because in a way he was using me too. As long as we were both okay with it, what was the harm.
The trash of THAT conversation was that I thought Blue eyes and I had a clear understanding of our dating situation and that backfired on me. Worry crept in about it backfiring here too. But hey, I ran this morning and threw that bit of noise away. I’ll deal with it when and if it happens. The party is nine days away. I have a dress, awesome shoes and he’s rented a town car. I’m good with it for now.
**My children, individually, are testing me.
As I ran, I decided to pass on that garbage. Not enough time in my morning to hash it out. That requires a clear and concise conversation with God so I don’t do something I may regret. I don’t like to rush my conversations with God so I put it on hold. As it turns out, He’s pretty understanding and extremely patient.
**I have five pounds I would like to lose before Hawaii. I’ve uttered these words to a few people I trust and they all look at me funny and then tell me I’m crazy. I’m a girl People! A girl headed to Hawaii – I have five pounds I’d like to lose. End of story.
I didn’t throw that away this morning because I’m serious. Five pounds in 25 days. I can do it.
**I made arrangements yesterday to go away again next March. Another tropical locale to visit in the midst of Oregon’s rather long rainy season. This particular trip has great potential to be something I may not ever forget. Not that I make it a habit to forget awesome vacations, I’ve taken quite a few since my divorce, but trust me when I say I believe this could be something far greater.
I created my own trash on this one. I made my arrangements and then freaked myself out. I’m a girl, capable of many things; freaking myself out is clearly one of them. But I am also capable of calming myself down.
I expressed my concerns to the appropriate party last night before I went to sleep and while I ran this morning it dawned on me that the bottom line is quite simply that these days I am living as I choose to live. Happily.
My life is an adventure when I choose to see it clearly and this is an extension of that adventure. I am going to the sun, to the beach, to the tropics outside of hurricane season (HA!) and it will be amazing if for no other reason than I am there. Present and accounted for and living in the moment.
I intend to practice that statement in Hawaii. T-minus Twenty-five days and 5 pounds!