I went to Hawaii intent on relaxing, regrouping and putting some thought into the “grown” men in my life. I’m pleased to report I did all of that and had a great time to boot, but now I need to sort through the thoughts.
First I have to acknowledge a couple of problems I have with respect to forming any relationship with a man. I’m busy with my kids, I’m busy with my job, I’m busy with my running and volunteer commitments, my time is really limited and yes, I’m still trying to mend a heart that is still a little broken. While I love men (and that was never clearer than when I was in Hawaii), I don’t have the time or inclination to invest large amounts of myself into building . . What? A warm and fuzzy loving relationship? Okay. Let’s go with that for now.
Another problem I think I have is that I’m a black woman who is very attracted to blonde hair and green eyes. Last I checked there aren’t many black men with (naturally) blonde hair and green eyes. So lets just get it out there so we’re clear. I like white men. White men in general, even if they find me attractive, may not approach me. Especially if they have never before entertained the idea of dating a black woman. They can’t be certain how I may react. I get it, understand it and accept it. A man’s ego is fragile, why risk humiliation. While I understand it, I certainly don’t like it.
I don’t pretend that last statement speaks to ALL white men, certainly I have been approached by many, but the simple fact remains it can be a problem.
The two men I was dating recently (at separate times) I got rid of before I left for vacation. I thought. Turns out after they each thought about what I said in our last conversation, [which was “I cannot be your girlfriend because I don’t have time to be your girlfriend and am not inclined to work with you on it since I have decided all I REALLY want right now is a friend with benefits”] they both decided they could handle that type of relationship with me if that’s all I wanted. Right. Guess I should have been more honest. Lesson learned.
“C,” (who I have referred to in the past as Blue Eyes), wants to discuss the “new parameters” of the FWB relationship when I return. I don’t think that conversation is even necessary. The problem still remains the same. He has no motivation or drive for anything. I don’t have to agree with it, but I want a man to be passionate about SOMETHING. “C” is passionate about nothing, except collecting those little NFL helmets of every team. He is a nice guy and has sexual talents, but he’s not strong enough for me, has a shitty job, barely works, doesn’t pay his bills and if you give me a minute I’m sure I can come up with more. The list, apparently, is long. Yet, I still flirt with the idea of having the “discussion”. That may simply be because I’m horny and know he’s capable. Not sure about that.
“J,” (who I have referred to in the past as “Nike Dude” and the “man without a filter”), is the guy I used for the sake of a Christmas party and a couple of Nike Employee Store passes. He also thinks he’s up for the job. If you remember we had a grown up conversation prior to the party where we discussed how completely incompatible we were. After the party he apparently changed his mind about our compatibility. Told me he jumped the gun with that assumption. I didn’t. I am not interested in “J” at all and told him as much when he brought me a Christmas gift (two bottles of amazing red wine and Michael Buble’s Christmas cd – and no, I didn’t have anything for him). He has a good job but he’s incredibly self centered, and not in a good way. If there is a good way. He says stupid shit, that he doesn’t think is stupid, or racist, and maybe it isn’t, but I think it is. “No drop dead gorgeous black women?” As if the only women worthy of his time are the drop dead gorgeous ones, of any race? I still have a problem with that. He is not a rock star, but he thinks he is. A lesser problem for him, that is quite significant for a FWB, is he can’t kiss. And if I’m brutally honest, his other sexual talents are lacking as well. Even if HE thinks he’s “amazing,” (yes, he said that about himself. Please refer back to the earlier “self-centered” remark.) But, since I’m the one doing the “hiring”, its my opinion that matters.
So I put it out there. Announced to the underworld (which are among the beings capable of hearing the announcement and not being offended), that I am too busy for a boyfriend but like sex, a lot, and am looking for someone to fill the position. I thought the requirements were simple. I must be physically attracted to the candidates, they must be capable of holding up their end of a conversation, like to kiss, be good at it, be disease and drug free, have wit, intelligence and a life. Interested candidates were asked to apply at which point we could start the interview process.
The response was overwhelming and a tad bit frightening. After I gave myself a few simple guidelines the weeding out got much simpler.
One liners? Delete. Misspelled words? Delete. Lewd suggestions in the initial contact? Delete. No pictures other than the graphic ones? Delete. Fat? Delete. Ugly? Delete. Married? Delete. I only lasted 4 days before I had a handful of what I thought were potential candidates and deleted my ad. It was crazy. Who knew the underworld had so many inhabitants? Certainly not me.
Three guys made the finals.
“M” – he’s young (9 years younger than me) sweet, almost innocent but not quite. He doesn’t have blonde hair, it’s brown, and he doesn’t have green eyes, they are brown too, BUT he has a twinkle in his eyes that gets me. When he smiles his eyes smile and I totally dig that. I really like “M” and I really wish I had met him under different circumstances. However he is emotionally at a place where, even if we had met under different circumstances, he probably would not have made a move. The only reason we’re becoming friends is because he’s interested in being my FWB. I want him to be that, but I like him enough that I wish this friendship was headed in the direction of a more committed thing. Whoa, who said that?
I like the honesty with “M,” and don’t want that to change. Because we are not trying to be anything more than friends, there is no need to only put our best shit out there. He asks me a question, I just answer without any filter and he clearly does the same since some of the things he has shared with me would flip me out if he was in the “potential boyfriend” category. The real question here is: why doesn’t it still flip me out instead of make me like him more than is probably healthy for a potential FWB? Not sure about the answer to that.
When we first started getting to know each other he said FWB was exactly what he was looking for. It was all he could handle at this time in his life. I had the same sentiments, and meant it. He said that this, what we’re doing, was not how he believed you go about finding the love of your life, and I agree, I guess, to a certain extent. You certainly don’t want to tell people who ask how you met that you hooked up just to fuck and it turned into something more. Right? Yet, I cannot deny I wouldn’t hate it if it turned into something more. Whoa! Is there an echo? Who said that? I don’t like it. It’s confusing.
I think “M” is just as confused as I am. I think he likes me, a lot, just as I like him, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Neither one of us have ever had a FWB, it’s new territory. It’s possible I am not cut out for the FWB relationship, and while I can’t speak for him, maybe he isn’t either.
We hooked up on Christmas, for the first time. It was awesome. He is the best kisser I have ever experienced (granted, if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time you know that my experience is very limited). Better than the ex-asshole, “B”, “C” and certainly better than “J”. The WAY he kisses me makes me hot. That’s all I can say about it. Something about the way he puts his hands on my face, something about his awesome lips (both “J” and “C” have no lips, and while that is not really a tell tale sign since “C” CAN kiss and “J” CANNOT, I like lips). We did the deed and it was great in all aspects. After, as we laid together talking, getting to know each other, he said “next time we should go out and do something first.” I said okay, not really thinking about it, but later, on reflection, I wondered why? If the purpose of our relationship is no strings attached sex, why do anything but fuck?
He also made a point of emailing me every day I was in Hawaii. Every day. Not long, exaggerated emails, but short, sweet “hope you’re having a great time, can’t wait to see you when you get back” emails. Can’t deny I liked that a lot.
He has a week of vacation next week, but he’s not leaving town. I told him if he felt like crossing the river he should come downtown and see me at lunch. I suggested we could walk the waterfront together. He said, in no uncertain terms, he would.
What exactly have I gotten myself into and why am I worrying myself with it? What am I doing? What is he doing?
“M” asked me if we would be monogamous FWB. I told him I wasn’t opposed to having more than one partner, but the time commitment required to “interview” prospects wasn’t really there for me. Then he asked me if I would care if he had more than one partner. At the time he asked my response was “no, because if I cared that would mean my feelings had moved beyond FWB status.” He agreed, but after we were together on Christmas he told me that another woman he had entertained the idea of FWB with had clearly told him she would have multiple partners and while initially he thought he was okay with that, after sitting with it for a minute, he decided he wasn’t. He wanted monogamy. Is this odd in a FWB relationship? I don’t know. What I do know is that I think I’m OKAY with a monogamous sexual relationship with “M”.
I sought out a FWB because I decided I didn’t want anything more than someone to fuck with no commitment. I can live my life, do what I want, when I want and if I want to fuck, have my “go to” guy. I still think I want that, but I find I’m getting way ahead of myself with worry.
- The more I know of “M” the more I like him;
- I start to really care about him beyond whether or not he’s available to provide me with sexual gratification;
- I like him more than he likes me, I get attached and then he finds a girlfriend.
Am I cut out for this?
I realize I’m way ahead of myself, I need to take a breath, relax and continue along as originally planned. FWB. No strings attached sex.
Oh yea, and then there are the two other guys who want to be considered for the FWB position.
“J2” – He’s an artist and I haven’t really figured out WHY I am attracted to him. He has dark hair and dark, brooding, moody eyes. Possibly I’m attracted because he’s an artist, like I need some moody guy in my life beyond my children (?) but I don’t know for sure. And that last statement is totally not fair since he has not given me any reason to believe he’s moody. He’s in his 40s, educated, thoughtful, conversation capable, passionate about his art and extremely intriguing. After the time I’ve spent with “M”, however, I wonder if I’m still even interested in following through with the “interviewing,” if you will, of “J2”. On the other hand, it might help slap me with some reality with respect to the situation with “M”. Shit. What to do.
“C,” the last guy, is young too. 33. That’s 12 years younger than me. He is only 3 years younger than “M” but he seems like he’s 10 years younger. Conversation with him is annoying, if I’m honest. How many times in one conversation can you be called “dude” before you just want to bash someone’s head in? I learned, after a couple conversations with “C”, my limit is 20. Seriously.
I’ve kind of let “C” float out there in the land of uncertainty. Originally I thought it would be fun to fuck a 33 year old. But after I accepted my aversion to being called dude so often, I came to the realization that the only way that might work is if he said absolutely NOTHING in the course of our time together. Don’t really think that’s possible for him, so I can pretty much stop him from floating and drop him squarely into the “no” category. I do, after all, want to like my FWB. I actually think the “F” part of it is really important. Which leads me back to “M”.
I think it’s important to him too. So possibly we will grow to be really great friends, who fuck periodically and nothing more. I just hope I can truly handle that. If I can’t I will have to tell him, since this thing we’re doing is based on honesty between us without the fear of consequences. I can do that, can’t I? Right? Yea, I thought so.
And then there’s my trip in March, to another tropical locale, to spend a few amazing days with yet another man who intrigues the hell out of me. Yep, well, okay. I did spend some time thinking about my situation while I was in Hawaii, but did I really figure anything out?
Doesn’t look like it.
I can tell you one thing though . . . haven’t sincerely thought about “B” in a few weeks.
That’s progress, right?