I should be sleeping. But I can’t. Too much floating around in my head.
I’ve said so often lately that I’m not interested in a relationship, don’t have the time, only want sex and male companionship when I want it, that I thought possibly I’d grow to really truly believe it. Ha! Nice try. As was pointed out to me, I am vigilantly trying merely to protect my heart.
It is true, however, I’m no longer “looking” for the relationship.
When B let me go, 6 months ago, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. Irrational worry set in. Will another man ever love me as completely as he seemed to. Could someone love me more completely? I still have that worry, but tonight I’m wondering if my true fear is that I will never allow someone to love me that completely. Will I shut him out if he appears? Miss out on possibly an even greater love? I may, and that bothers me.
I am a romantic whose heart has been broken and I think, or rather know, it alters my vision.
Do I want a relationship? Not sure. Perfection with a relationship? Ahhh, yes. That’s what I want. You silly girl! Perfection? Really? Yes. Really.
Am I naive? Possibly. Am I setting my sites too high? Again, possibly. But why not? In the end I’m worth perfection, even if you don’t believe it. You don’t have to. I do.
And I do. Believe I’m worth it.
My perfection doesn’t mean a perfect man, with a perfect body, with a perfect smile, perfect job, blah, blah, blah.
No. My perfection is more than that.
I like men who are physically fit and take it seriously — push themselves, sometimes further than is “normal,” because they can, not because they have to prove something. I like men that have a brain and have true passion about their life. Do they have to be “nice?” Yes, that would be good, but they don’t always have to be nice. Can they be bad? Of course! But they don’t always have to be bad. Do they have to have an even temperament? Well, I’d like someone who isn’t constantly on “rage” mode, but anger and dissatisfaction, when properly channeled is not a bad thing. It can be a driving force for a man who knows how to use it properly. I admire that trait and know it when I see it. There should be consistency but not predictability. And of course, enjoyable sex is required, but even beyond that, kissing is paramount, lots of kissing. More kissing. Really.
So that’s what I like and that’s what I want, yet it’s not that simple. I want so much more.
While I enjoy great sex, the moments immediately after have more of an impact. Can I rest my head on his chest, listen to his heart beat, feel the warmth of his body while we talk quietly, and we tell each other thoughts we never imagined we would share with another? Can the conversation between us at that moment be thoughtful, truthful, deep at times, silly at others, yet always meaningful? Yes? Well then I’m taken. Instantly. That’s my perfection.
I’m a physical being and challenge my body on the regular. It makes me feel alive, present and accounted for. I want to share that part of me with someone who gets it, understands it and maybe has a little bit of that in themselves. They don’t have to be crazy and cannot be complacent. Crazy for the sake of crazy and complacency are not okay.
Change is inevitable, it’s not meant to be fought with or against. Life is short and isn’t meant to be hard, its meant to be enjoyed. Does anyone get that?
So while I’m content right now with sex for the sake of sex, it’s not what I really want.
I want to be loved, treasured, respected, and challenged by a man who really does know how to treat a woman. I want great conversation mixed in with amazing kissing. I want a boy whose grown into a man, a real man. Whose life lessons have taught him a thing or two about who he is and what he wants and I want to know he’s paid attention to those lessons. I want physical, emotional, intellectual strength mixed in with sensitivity and softness at times.
When this man appears in my life, I want to believe in him and be with him. Completely. Will I allow myself that simple pleasure? I certainly hope so. I know he exists, he simply needs to show himself and I, in turn, need to be paying attention.
I live an amazing life and I will continue to make amazing memories as I wait for the perfection that I desire and, quite frankly, deserve.