It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. Truly, it’s been a couple of weeks since I believed I was capable of writing something that didn’t involve my weakness, my vulnerability, my insecurities, my blah, blah, blah. While I believe those things are worthy of writing about, emotionally I wasn’t in a good place and I didn’t want to read what might escape my mind and find its way on to the computer screen, and I certainly didn’t want you to read it.
I do not want to mislead you. This post will probably have a bit of my weakness, my vulnerability, my insecurities and my blah, blah, blah. But in the end, it’s all good. Very good.
“B” floated around a few more days after my last post. Four days, to be exact. It was a long four days and while I didn’t ever respond to him I was angry at him for acting as if I would eventually come to my senses if he just didn’t leave me alone. I’m grateful it only lasted four days.
Ugh. I hate the emotion that I carry with respect to that man. It frightens me. I must move past the emotion of “B.” I need to move past it. It’s the last thing. I hope it doesn’t take forever.
Work has been taxing, but that’s normal for this time of year and I love my job, so I’m certainly not complaining. I’m just saying a taxed brain does not bode well for other emotional instability. It just intensifies it.
My oldest boy is graduating from high school and the hoops that must be jumped through with the school in preparation for that are frying my brain and squeezing my pocketbook. If I had an Ex who was involved it might not be so difficult, but he’s got bigger things to think about like which very young, buxom blonde he will date and prance before me, and he simply can’t be bothered with the graduation rig-a-ma-roll. He has his head in the sand about it really, even though the boy lives with him, and I am certain he thinks shit just happens because its suppose to, not because I’ve made any decisions, or paid any money, or talked to our son. No, it just magically happens and it’s all the better for him, because, again, he has no time and he certainly has no money to contribute.
So I’ve had all of this, on top of men who would like to date me, or at the very least sleep with me, texting and calling. Its turned from a novelty to a slight irritation and for the last two weeks I’ve had no tolerance for any of them. “Not available” has been my answer by phone and text. Well, wait a second, that’s not true. I did see “M” last weekend but only one night and while it was fun, I couldn’t wait for him to leave. He’s still cute, fun, sweet, blah, blah, blah, but as I said, the novelty has worn off. I enjoy his company but I’m not enthralled by it. Thank God that passed.
The last two weeks have been a bit much. But today? Today was a good day. For many reasons, some bigger than others.
Did I mention I”m training for a marathon? I am. It’s about 11 weeks out, second weekend in April. I am a sporadic marathon trainer and tend to think I know best what to do for my running than what any book says. Ha. Yes, okay, so sometimes I’m kind of cocky (and foolish). But each marathon I’ve run, after training as I saw fit, I’ve completed AND improved my time. This time however, I thought I’d give Hal Higdon a chance. I did spend money on his book a few years ago, read it even. The man’s run a gazillion marathons and might possibly know what he’s talking about so I am following what he says. . . perfectly. Ironically, I”m getting faster. Amazing, huh?
This morning I was out of the house at 4 a.m. and ran 7 miles . . . just like Mr. Higdon told me to do. . . and I did it quicker, by 4 minutes, than the last time he told me to run 7 miles. Same route, same hills, up and down, same, same, same. But I was quicker. What made me happy about it was that I know I could have been even quicker than that and I can’t wait to do it again. That’s Friday. Tomorrow I’m just running 4. Because that’s what Hal says.
While I ran it was raining. No worries, really, this IS Oregon, after all, but when I headed to work the rain had stopped and the clouds were parting and the weather lady on the radio was saying how the sun would appear. Not only was it going to appear, it was going to stick around for at least the next 5 days. Smiles abound with that bit of news. I love the sun. Of course, I love warmth too, but I’m living in Oregon and its February, so I’m quite content with the sun. And actually it got to 51 degrees today which, after 30s and 40s felt like a freaking heat wave. Good day.
Work was work but my most amazing boss-lady said some very kind things to me which kind of blew my mind and reinstated my gratefulness.
I had lunch with a friend I had not seen in quite some time and that was fun, even if the food kind of sucked and the service was poor. I was grateful for the wonderful company.
However, the smallest thing that happened today quite possibly made the biggest impact.
I am going on vacation again in 50 days. It seems decadent, even to me, that less than 90 days (it will be 83 to be exact) after returning from Hawaii I am leaving again to go to Puerto Rico, but I am. I will meet a friend there who I am looking forward to seeing and spending some down time with. A miscommunication with the company travel agent surfaced a couple of days ago and while I thought my tickets had already been purchased, they had not. Due to a variety of things (not the least of which was my emotional instability over the last few days) I gave my friend the opportunity to meet in San Juan another time. I thought it might be easier for him, and given my state of being, might be better for me — even though in reality when I tried to think of WHEN it would be a better time to go I could come up with nothing for the next year.
I got his response today and it was as it always is with him. Thoughtful, intuitive, gentle and straight forward.
He spoke of a few things, but the words that meant the most were simple. “I want to see you.”
Small, but impactful and apparently what I needed to hear. Any bit of negative noise still floating in my head from the last two weeks was silenced instantly and the tickets were purchased.
I’m not sure, but I think I have 5 pounds to lose.