I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do have two men I see and sleep with periodically. One of them I started dating last August and the other I met when I intentionally sought out the proverbial friend with benefits.
The first guy, blue eyes, is an extremely nice man. We have a lot of things in common, but we also have some differences which, while they don’t bother him, annoy the hell out of me. That’s why I quit “dating” him. I told him, before I left for Hawaii, that it wasn’t working for me and I would no longer fall under his moniker of “girlfriend.” I explained my needs had changed and I no longer wanted a boyfriend, just someone to fuck when I wanted and do things with, again, when I wanted to. I was sure, because he is a really nice guy, that my being that blunt about what I wanted would shock him into walking away from me. I actually hoped for that outcome. While it kept him at bay for almost two months, out of the blue he called me to see if I was free to go to the movies. I was free so we went and then I invited him back to my house.
He’s cute, comfortable, familiar, well endowed and great in bed. It was lots of fun. He told me he thought he could be my FWB if that’s what I wanted. I chose not to tell him I had already filled that spot with the “young one”. Instead I told him we’d see how it went.
My actual FWB is young, sweet, and cute and while Blue Eyes is great in bed, the young one is amazing. Amazing! He puts the term “giver” to shame. He likes me, probably too much, but because of the terms we met under he is constantly telling me he “remembers the rules and won’t let [his] emotions get away from [him]”. Every time he says that to me I laugh because after I first met him I was enthralled with him and damn near let my emotions freak out over him. The more time I spent with him the less enthralled I became.
He is a lot of fun to go out with, lots of fun to stay in with, we have a great time, but his age stops me short. He is not childish, he is after all 36, but I am 45 and some of the things he says makes it incredibly clear that while 9 years may not be a big deal for some, for me and this young one, it’s a big deal. Probably more correctly it’s a big deal for me. Apparently not for him, since I am the one who is periodically annoyed, shocked, surprised and humored by some things he says and his thought process. I find myself thinking “live a few more years honey and then let’s have this conversation again”. Which begs the question – did B think that with me, since I am 10 years younger than him? Probably.
So the young one and I have been having a great time together for a couple of months. He told me up front he wanted a monogamous FWB situation, and at the time I said ok (this was probably a conversation we had when I was still enthralled by him). But then blue eyes called me and I slept with him and, yea, oops, I hadn’t yet told the young one.
Last weekend I had plans with the young one and the asshole that I am trying to rid myself of. Yes, I do realize that if I am trying to rid myself of someone I should probably NOT make plans with them, but my intention was to look him square in the face and tell him to go away and stop texting, calling, haunting my Facebook page and just bothering me.
I cancelled on both of them because as the weekend approached I just didn’t want to be bothered. Friday night I took myself to the movies and Saturday I slept in way late and then ran various errands. By Saturday night at 8, I was in my pajamas, in bed reading and really content.
At 8:30 blue eyes called. He asked if I wanted to go to the movies, I said no. He said his plans for the evening had fallen through and he thought of me. I told him I had plans all weekend but I had cancelled with the guys because I didn’t want to be bothered. That actually was a slip up on my part. But possibly it wasn’t. I don’t know. What I do know is he picked it up immediately and reacted subtlety to the fact I had cancelled with “guys”. We chatted for a bit longer and I admitted that if he wanted to come down to my house (a 50 minute drive for him) I would be willing to entertain him, however he was not invited to spend the night. He said ok.
He came and we entertained each other and then he asked about the “guys”. So I told him. Told him about the asshole, and told him about the young one. He was quiet while I talked and was clearly trying to process what he didn’t expect to hear and when I was done talking I asked him what he thought about it all. He didn’t say anything for a bit.
I thought this might be that thing that finally got him to walk away from me. Possibly I hoped for it again, because then I would be monogamous with the young one and wouldn’t have to have this conversation with him! But that’s not what happened.
Blue eyes said that while he didn’t really like the idea of sharing me with another man, I deserved to be happy and if this was what made me happy and he got to be a part of it, he was okay with it. He said I was worth that. I was worth him waiting until I figured out whether or not I wanted more from him. That’s it. No “goodbye” No “how dare you, you slut” No nothing really. Just a really nice guy, being that really nice guy.
He left around 2 am and I slept pretty soundly but when I woke up on Sunday the predominant thought was that I needed to tell the young one he was not the only one. I kind of dreaded it because while I was okay with blue eyes walking away from me in disgust I really wasn’t keen on the idea of the young one doing that. At least not yet.
I called the young one and asked him to meet me for coffee. We met in this funky coffee-house in SE Portland that has great coffee and overstuffed, very comfortable, mismatched furniture. He got there before me (because he lives around the corner) and had secured my favorite purple love seat. He was full of smiles, so cute. I was happy to see him. We drank coffee as he told me some story about something that happened at work on Friday, he would pause periodically to kiss me and tell me how great it was to see me when he didn’t expect to and then he went on with his story. While he talked I considered not telling him. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I didn’t want to not see him. But when he asked me what was going on with me I spilled it all out there.
He took less time than blue eyes to respond and when he did he said “okay”. That’s pretty much it. Then he said he figured eventually I would tire of blue eyes and devote myself to him, but if that didn’t happen soon he would enjoy the challenge of garnering more of me so there was less time for the competition.
My first thought honestly was “your age is showing” but then I thought what am I worried about he can knock himself out with his plan, it won’t harm me, in fact I will benefit from it and there will be no guilt because I have provided full disclosure. Win-win.
Interestingly the following Monday blue eyes sent me the sweetest text, saying some of the nicest things I think any man has ever said to me and then on Valentines day he sent me flowers at work. I was shocked beyond words. They were beautiful flowers. They still are, in fact. As I mulled it all over I came to the conclusion that blue eyes has the same game plan as the young one, he just wasn’t as up front about it.
Men will be men, I suppose.
This next Friday I have plans with the young one and then Saturday blue eyes is taking me to Cannon Beach for a night. He knows that’s a soft spot for me. I like to go away and Cannon Beach, while only 90 minutes away, is my favorite Oregon destination. It is truly one of my “happy places” and I am looking forward to it. Just like he knew I would. He told me yesterday we have an oceanfront room at the Hallmark. I am very pleased. Just like he knew I would be.
It’s an interesting time and I am curious to see where this ride stops.