NOTE: For those subscribers who follow me for the sake of my running woes and triumphs, you should probably just delete this post. There is nothing running related within. But as it says up there on the left hand side, this blog is about whatever is on my mind . . . . so here we go. . .
Blue Eyes told me a few weeks ago that he was in love with me. His exact words were “You know I’m totally in love with you, right?” Yes. If I’m being honest (and that is what this blog is about) I knew that.
He didn’t want me to feel awkward, or obligated and he knew I was seeing the Young One, but he felt like he had to say it. He said he knew I was “guarded” in this area of my life.
Hmmm. Well, pushing aside the fact that I’m not sure I believe he knows me well enough to really be in love with me, after 9 months of on and off dating, every other weekend, no less. I do know he believes he knows enough to reach this love conclusion.
A few months ago when I pushed him away from me with the “can’t-be-your- girlfriend-just-want-someone-to-fuck-when-I-want” speech he backed off. I think I didn’t talk to him for 3 or 4 weeks. But then he resurfaced.
I let him come back in because a) he’s a really, really nice guy; b) we have a good time in and out of bed; c) he’s extremely easy to be around; and d) on the particular night he called me, after weeks of no contact, I was sitting in my pajamas reading a book wishing I had someone I could go out with at the moment.
Timing is everything.
So he came back into the fold on a limited basis. I was not his girlfriend, he was not my boyfriend. We were friends, who hung out and periodically slept together. Friends with the proverbial benefits.
My mother pointed out, around this time, that it was in his best interest to be in my life on whatever terms I allowed him to be in it, if he cared about me, because possibly I’d get to know him better and my feelings might change. I think my response to my mother at that time was, “Yeah, right, whatever. All I know is he’s available when I don’t have anyone else.”
As is often the case, however, my mother was right. I’m not in love with Blue Eyes. But when I recall the reasons I originally wanted to step away from him, the things about him that annoyed me 3 months after I met him, they aren’t as important anymore. They are still present, but because I know him better than I did, I have a better understanding about some of the decisions he’s made in his life and I have softened my position. It’s not all black and white.
The thing is I don’t know why I’m NOT in love with Blue Eyes.
He’s nice, kind, soft-hearted, even-tempered, employed, a good father, a good friend, great in bed, always brings me flowers (he has never come to see me without flowers, never – it’s been 9 months – and he’s sent them to me twice at work) and he’s smart, in that nerdy kinda way, that I didn’t realize I was so into. But I most certainly am!
And he’s handy. . . . oh my God is he handy. He has installed my garbage disposal, fixed my garage door, fixed my dryer, and this past Sunday he built my puppy a dog run (and actually started a list of “projects” he would do for me around my house). He would tell you that we built the dog run together, but that’s a flat-out lie. He built it himself. I just stood where he told me to and held up pieces periodically while he built the damn thing. The instructions said “should take 2 hours to complete.” He did it in an hour and a half and he did it with a good attitude.
That last line may sound weird, but as I explained to a friend, I would have dreaded building that thing with my ex-husband. He was NOT handy, but he would have attempted it since it was a DIY purchase. The least little thing that didn’t go right would have set him off and he would have been yelling at me and taking it out on me the whole time. As a matter of fact, I was so conditioned to that, when I noticed some of the fencing on the top didn’t look right, I didn’t say anything to Blue Eyes. I had that fear he would freak out and get upset – (remember I was conditioned well for 23 years) – Blue Eyes noticed the fencing issue himself, however, and just matter of factly said “oh, hmmm, that’s not right, lets undo this part right here so it’s right.” I just stared at him, probably with my mouth open. Later, when he was putting in some grips on the bottom I almost stepped on his hand. I didn’t, but I almost did. I said “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, I almost stepped on your hand.” Again, 23 years of conditioning taught me that an almost accident like that would be grounds for a real good tongue lashing and anger for the rest of the day without a pre-apology . . . . But Blue Eyes looked up at me, smiled and said “but you didn’t, and even if you had, it wouldn’t have been on purpose, right?” Um, yeah. I actually said out loud “oh, that’s right, you’re a different person.”
Here is a picture of the completed dog run with my puppy relaxing in his new apartment. It’s just an amazing piece of work and if the dog could talk he would certainly express his undying gratitude to Blue Eyes. Puppy knows what time I leave for work. All week at that time, even if I’m not even close to leaving, he gets up and goes out to the garage and puts himself in the dog run. Like “yay, I get to be in here!” That’s a far cry from the way he used to sulk his way into the way-to-small-for-a-180-pound-dog crate he use to inhabit while no one was home. I feel like a good mommy again.
But I digress. . . . Blue Eyes is an introvert and possibly that’s what throws me. My ex-husband was out there. Loud and obnoxious. He couldn’t enter a room quietly if his life depended on it and I think that’s what I’m more used to. “B” was not as out there as my ex, but he was not an introvert.
Blue Eyes always enters quietly. He does not feel the need to talk to strangers. He doesn’t feel the need to make new friends. He’s not opposed to it, but he doesn’t go out of his way to accomplish the task. He has a large group of friends, that have been his friends for a long time and he’s content to leave it alone.
I’m not an over the top extrovert, but I’m far from introverted. It’s interesting to me that he’s so taken with me, since I force him into his uncomfortable zone when we’re out because I talk to everyone. Maybe he likes that. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I doubt this man would ever cheat on me, I doubt he would ever stop going out of his way to try to make me happy, I doubt he would ever say no to anything I asked of him, if it was in his power and yet I can’t/won’t let myself be in an exclusive relationship with him.
Possibly I’m just not ready to give up the casual relationship with the Young One. Maybe I don’t think I’m worth having someone so kind, sweet and gentle caring for me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that while I don’t love him, my heart has surely softened towards him and since he’s made it clear he’s not going anywhere, regardless of what I do, my softening heart kind of scares me.