That’s it. It’s official. I am one of those women men should be wary of. I am totally and completely fucked up. A little concerned too. Maybe that’s the first step towards recovery.
I told you I ran into “B” in January, had a nice visit, went to lunch with him, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . (you can read it here if you’re interested). What I didn’t confess in Blog World for everyone to read is that I sent him an innocent birthday card in February. Nothing mushy, lovey, or what have you. But I sent it. Then, towards the end of February, I went to Whole Foods after work one night and saw his car. Instead of driving out of the parking lot, as was my normal course of action, I went into the store and did my shopping. I saw him as I was checking out, sitting alone eating and reading the paper. When I saw him, my heart fluttered a little (but it’s purely an automatic reflex) but I did not approach him and say hello. In fact, I turned my back and walked out the door furthest from his vicinity. I was pretty pleased with that maneuver.
A few weeks after that I got a little card in the mail from him. It was a simple card with a sunflower on it. It said simply “thanks for remembering my birthday, I hope you’re well.” Yeah, thanks, since he forgot mine, intentionally last year. . . but I’m not bitter. Right? Although I did sound like I was when I wrote about it. That post can be found here (again if you’re interested). But there was nothing to his note. A few weeks later I sent him an email. Yeah. I know. WTF?! I sent him an email to tell him about a road bike I had just purchased. The purchase of this particular bike was significant due to conversations we had during our relationship and I wanted him to know what I had done. The email was not overtly flirtatious, but I am a flirt. I know and accept this about myself, so there were some minor flirty comments.
He didn’t respond to the email right away and I only thought about it for a couple of days after I sent it because, truly, I have enough going on with my kids, work and the two men I am seeing to NOT think about “B”’s response to an email. He did respond, however. Two weeks after I sent it. He responded and he flirted back. Not over the top flirting, but at about the same level as I put out initially. I had no intention of responding and then I got another little note in the mail.
YESTERDAY, two weeks after his email response I replied to it. I was cleaning out my email folder and read his email again (theoretically before I deleted it) and without thinking (but thinking the whole time) I hit reply and typed my pithy little response. Hit send. Damn. Literally the second I hit send I thought DAMN. WTF?!
This morning as I ran my 5 miles for the day I thought about my actions of late.
Flirting with a man who dumped me not once, but twice in the past. A man who inspired this blog! A man who I couldn’t be with now if I wanted to because I have moved into another realm that he won’t ever meet me in. Namely the realm of sex. I can’t, no, I won’t go back to a relationship with no sex. And that most assuredly is the least of the problems with respect to re-entering a relationship with “B”. But yet I flirt.
During my run I also ran though some of the other things I’ve done (and not talked about here) of late. Bored one evening I re-activated my account on OKCupid. WTF? I’ve got Blue Eyes professing his love for me, the Young One available to fuck on demand and I’m surfing OKCupid?! Really. I was.
Kept my profile up for 4 days. Long enough to get a bunch of messages from a bunch of losers, 2 messages from a couple of “maybes” and 1 message from a guy who, if I took his profile and email exchange at face value, might be worth a cup of coffee. I flirted with all 3 of them and even gave the last guy one of my “real” email addresses so we could correspond off OKCupid. As soon as I did that I de-activated my profile again.
When the dude actually sent me an email, my “boredom” had passed and I was no longer interested. I rationalized why I wasn’t interested. He lives in Washington, I don’t need to date 2 guys from Washington. Blue Eyes is enough. They might know each other, even though they live in two separate cities. When I read his email he didn’t sound as interesting anymore, he certainly wasn’t cute enough and he insisted on shortening my name, as a nickname and I’m sorry. My name doesn’t work like that. It is what it is and I didn’t like the shortened version. And just when the hell did I think I was going to fit dating a third guy into my time? Really?! Why did I do that?
Psycho Woman with Relationship Issues, right here.
Running and thinking. . . keeping my mind off the fact that I was running in the first place I figured out that what I’m addicted to is knowing men like/love/want me. That’s it. How fucked up is that?
I know we all want to feel loved. We all want to be wanted. We all want to be liked. But I’m all good and content in a “relationship” until the guy tells me or expresses to me how much he likes/loves/wants me and then BOOM! I’m bored and looking for someone else to drag into the mix. Again, WTF?!
I honestly believed since I thought this all through this morning I’d be able to begin to conquer it. Ha! Not 20 minutes ago “B” called me at work. Yeah. Great. Could I control the flirt? Fuck no. Could he? Not sure he even tried. Outcome? Coffee on Saturday afternoon.
That’s Saturday afternoon. After Friday night when I spend a few lovely hours with The Young One and before I spend an even lovelier Saturday evening, night and Sunday morning with Blue Eyes.
Just got nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award. . . what about the Woman with Issues award? Where’s that little gem?
I’m thinking I should really cancel the coffee date. Nothing good will come of it.