That’s it. It’s official. I am one of those women men should be wary of. I am totally and completely fucked up. A little concerned too. Maybe that’s the first step towards recovery.
I told you I ran into “B” in January, had a nice visit, went to lunch with him, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . (you can read it here if you’re interested). What I didn’t confess in Blog World for everyone to read is that I sent him an innocent birthday card in February. Nothing mushy, lovey, or what have you. But I sent it. Then, towards the end of February, I went to Whole Foods after work one night and saw his car. Instead of driving out of the parking lot, as was my normal course of action, I went into the store and did my shopping. I saw him as I was checking out, sitting alone eating and reading the paper. When I saw him, my heart fluttered a little (but it’s purely an automatic reflex) but I did not approach him and say hello. In fact, I turned my back and walked out the door furthest from his vicinity. I was pretty pleased with that maneuver.
A few weeks after that I got a little card in the mail from him. It was a simple card with a sunflower on it. It said simply “thanks for remembering my birthday, I hope you’re well.” Yeah, thanks, since he forgot mine, intentionally last year. . . but I’m not bitter. Right? Although I did sound like I was when I wrote about it. That post can be found here (again if you’re interested). But there was nothing to his note. A few weeks later I sent him an email. Yeah. I know. WTF?! I sent him an email to tell him about a road bike I had just purchased. The purchase of this particular bike was significant due to conversations we had during our relationship and I wanted him to know what I had done. The email was not overtly flirtatious, but I am a flirt. I know and accept this about myself, so there were some minor flirty comments.
He didn’t respond to the email right away and I only thought about it for a couple of days after I sent it because, truly, I have enough going on with my kids, work and the two men I am seeing to NOT think about “B”’s response to an email. He did respond, however. Two weeks after I sent it. He responded and he flirted back. Not over the top flirting, but at about the same level as I put out initially. I had no intention of responding and then I got another little note in the mail.
YESTERDAY, two weeks after his email response I replied to it. I was cleaning out my email folder and read his email again (theoretically before I deleted it) and without thinking (but thinking the whole time) I hit reply and typed my pithy little response. Hit send. Damn. Literally the second I hit send I thought DAMN. WTF?!
This morning as I ran my 5 miles for the day I thought about my actions of late.
Flirting with a man who dumped me not once, but twice in the past. A man who inspired this blog! A man who I couldn’t be with now if I wanted to because I have moved into another realm that he won’t ever meet me in. Namely the realm of sex. I can’t, no, I won’t go back to a relationship with no sex. And that most assuredly is the least of the problems with respect to re-entering a relationship with “B”. But yet I flirt.
During my run I also ran though some of the other things I’ve done (and not talked about here) of late. Bored one evening I re-activated my account on OKCupid. WTF? I’ve got Blue Eyes professing his love for me, the Young One available to fuck on demand and I’m surfing OKCupid?! Really. I was.
Kept my profile up for 4 days. Long enough to get a bunch of messages from a bunch of losers, 2 messages from a couple of “maybes” and 1 message from a guy who, if I took his profile and email exchange at face value, might be worth a cup of coffee. I flirted with all 3 of them and even gave the last guy one of my “real” email addresses so we could correspond off OKCupid. As soon as I did that I de-activated my profile again.
When the dude actually sent me an email, my “boredom” had passed and I was no longer interested. I rationalized why I wasn’t interested. He lives in Washington, I don’t need to date 2 guys from Washington. Blue Eyes is enough. They might know each other, even though they live in two separate cities. When I read his email he didn’t sound as interesting anymore, he certainly wasn’t cute enough and he insisted on shortening my name, as a nickname and I’m sorry. My name doesn’t work like that. It is what it is and I didn’t like the shortened version. And just when the hell did I think I was going to fit dating a third guy into my time? Really?! Why did I do that?
Psycho Woman with Relationship Issues, right here.
Running and thinking. . . keeping my mind off the fact that I was running in the first place I figured out that what I’m addicted to is knowing men like/love/want me. That’s it. How fucked up is that?
I know we all want to feel loved. We all want to be wanted. We all want to be liked. But I’m all good and content in a “relationship” until the guy tells me or expresses to me how much he likes/loves/wants me and then BOOM! I’m bored and looking for someone else to drag into the mix. Again, WTF?!
I honestly believed since I thought this all through this morning I’d be able to begin to conquer it. Ha! Not 20 minutes ago “B” called me at work. Yeah. Great. Could I control the flirt? Fuck no. Could he? Not sure he even tried. Outcome? Coffee on Saturday afternoon.
That’s Saturday afternoon. After Friday night when I spend a few lovely hours with The Young One and before I spend an even lovelier Saturday evening, night and Sunday morning with Blue Eyes.
Just got nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award. . . what about the Woman with Issues award? Where’s that little gem?
I’m thinking I should really cancel the coffee date. Nothing good will come of it.
Nothing.
You and me, same, same. I readily admit that I am addicted to knowing men like/love/want me. And I do things that get me that attention. If I am not getting the “right” kind of attention from one guy in my life I will seek out another that will give it to me. Yet, I don’t want to give up the other one. And round and round. Except, oddly enough, where I’m at right now, I’m content with the attention of the current one. And I hope that lasts. Because it’s much less exhausting. And I feel content.
I’m so happy to hear that your situation now is so good. You deserve that my dear! Enjoy it!
Ohhhhh, I HATE that nickname thing! People- if we have unusual names, don’t think you know us well enough to give us a nickname, particularly by shortening our given name. It just does not work.
People do this with hunny’s name, too, although the nickname they go with is not actually a variation of his name, particularly when they use the wrong first letter……….
And stop calling me MR., too.
Thank you honey, for letting me vent. I feel much better. 😀 We’ll get through the man issue. Darn. Now I’m going to have “It’s raining men” going through my head all night……… 😆
I hate it too!! My name only has 5 letters in it. I’m glad to know its not just me. It’s kind of rude, in my opinion. Especially if he doesn’t know me. Don’t just assume I want to be called whatever you want to call me. I happen to like my name! 🙂 Have a great day Tikk
I’m sorry you feel that you have issues. I don’t think you do. I think you are out there exploring and having a good time. You don’t want a relationship yet (hence, why you lose interest) and that’s alright. It’s not like you went into any of these relationships promising rose gardens to any of these guys. How about this question instead: Why is it when women behave in a way that is traditionally assigned as “guy” behavior, we get torn up by others and, even worse, we tear ourselves up? You are who you are and you are beautiful that way. Don’t worry about it. Maybe it feels crazy right now, but I think you’re doing just fine!
Thank you for this! Means a lot. Needed to hear it. . . while I do feel a little crazy, I hope it passes.
Oh, and as far as the name thing, shortening mine doesn’t work (it’s only 5 letters to begin with) and I’ll holler at you if you do it! And you certainly don’t do that on the first email. WTH is that?
Shortening mine doesn’t work either! He dropped the last two letters of my name. Think about that. I HATE that! I admit some people have called me that and it has not offended or upset me, but I have known them for a long time and they don’t do it consistently — for someone who has never met me to just decide on his own to call me that annoyed the hell out of me and he did it twice after I told him I liked to be called my full name. After the second time he did it, I didn’t respond. I just deleted. Done.
You don’t sound crazy. You sound normal. Maybe a little emotionally unavailable? We’re all emotionally unavailable at times. And, really, this is the first step in having a healthy relationship — realizing your downfalls (for lack of a better word). I think you have to know what you’re prone to do that doesn’t work in order to figure out what does work. Know what I mean? Also, I deleted your one comment just because I’m a little paranoid, but I wanted to ask you something about it. My email is 36singlepdx@gmail.com