The fabulous people of the Pacific Northwest are currently experiencing some equally fabulous weather. Today it’s sunny with a perfect blue sky and the temperature is expected to get to 79. Perfection in every sense of the word.
While I don’t mind the rain, the sun makes me happy so this post will more than likely be upbeat regardless of what I’m talking about! Ha! I love when that happens!
Sometime in the middle of last Thursday I decided I didn’t really have any true desire to see the Young One on Friday night. The sex would have been awesome, but I knew I wouldn’t be lacking in sexual contact over the weekend since Blue Eyes was spending the night on Saturday. When I cancelled on the Young One he had a hint of disappointment in his voice, but I think it was more because I cancelled within the 24 hour window rather than his sadness over not seeing me.
I spent a great deal of time with the Young One a couple of weeks ago and I figured some shit about him (and me) out. He’s a nice guy with the most perfect, awesome, hard body I have ever had the pleasure of being close to, and he thinks my body is “beautifully athletic . . . ” (how could I not love that?) He has the most endearing, lovely, mischievous little boy smile with pretty green eyes and the softest brown hair that falls down into his face when he laughs and when he talks about something he is really excited about his eyes twinkle – swear to God! But while he is 36 years old, he is truly much younger than that, growth wise. So the bottom line is he is only good (for me) for sex and some (a lot of the time) meaningless conversation.
We went for a 20 mile bike ride together, among other things, on that day a couple of weeks ago. It was a fun day and the bike ride was the last thing we did. When he helped me get my bike back into my car I said “so what are you going to do with the rest of your day?” He looked at me, smiled and said “I’m going to sit on my ass and smoke weed for the rest of the day.” No lie. That’s what he said.
While I was okay with that answer, because it’s his life, not mine, it was at precisely that moment a small voice in my head whispered “he’s only good for sex, quit looking for something more in there. . .” Ahhh well, I think I knew that before. But it’s sunk in pretty deep now.
When I cancelled on him last Thursday I told myself I was going to leave work early and go to the movies Friday night and then go home and putter around my house before I climbed into bed kind of early. What actually happened was I left work early, went to the movies (October Baby), ran home, showered, changed clothes, grabbed my pajamas and then drove myself up to Washington to spend the night with Blue Eyes. Surprised myself, but I enjoyed it immensely.
He had to work on Saturday so I left his house at 6 that morning intending to go home and sleep a couple more hours before I went for a run. Um, well. I got a speeding ticket ($160) on the way home so I was too wound up to actually go back to sleep. Instead I cleaned my kitchen, living room and dining room and did a couple of loads of laundry, and then I went for a run. A nice mellow 8 miles without my Garmin because the last thing I needed to do was tweak about my time and/or pace.
I had plans to meet “B” for coffee and a conversation at 1. I had suggested we meet at Whole Foods. It seemed like a nice neutral spot with lots of people and absolutely no intimate settings. Friday, however, he sent me an email and asked if he could take me to lunch at McCormack & Schmicks since it had been a while since we’d spent any time together.
Lunch was pleasant (the food was outstanding) but it was very clear early on in the conversation that the lunch was in an effort to see if I was still pinning for him. I made it clear that I wasn’t and told him about the two guys, who knew about each other, that I was spending my time with. He wasn’t happy to hear that, but mostly because he knew I was having sex. He told me that while it was none of his business he thought I was too special of a person to be cheapened with sex. That any man who was willing to have sex with me, prior to marriage, did not have my best interest at heart. He even went so far as to tell me that the reason Blue Eyes has done all the things he’s done for me was merely so he could have sex with me, not because he thought I was special, because if he thought I was special he wouldn’t be dirtying my soul with sex outside of marriage.
It’s hard for me to be mean to “B” because I did love him very much and while I didn’t, and still don’t, agree with his feelings about sex (even though I went through that 2 1/2 year relationship without sex), I respected his position because I had NEVER known a man so firm in his belief. The conversation on Saturday, however, pissed me off and I felt as if he was discrediting my ability to make decisions for myself at the ripe old age of almost 46. I told him I heard what he was saying, but that he shouldn’t worry. And I tried to leave it at that. In the two hours we spent together he would regularly circle back to this topic and restate, in similar but slightly different words, the same thing. It was tiring. I was happy to say good-bye.
Blue Eyes came down after work on Saturday and took me out for margaritas before we went to see The Avengers in 3D IMAX splendor. (That movie was fucking A-W-E-S-O-M-E — it’s just not possible to go wrong with Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth (hottest Thor EVER!) and Jeremy Renner . . . shit, even Tom Hiddleston was a pretty HOT bad guy. . . aside from being an awesome movie it’s eye candy heaven — for REAL! ) After the movie he took me for a late dinner with more margaritas and then he took me home.
Instead of leaving early on Sunday I encouraged him to stay until about 3 p.m. We ran some errands, did a lot talking and just had a really nice time together. My heart continues to soften and what I especially like is he is not rushing me about anything. Yes, a few weeks ago he told me he loved me, but since that time he has not said the words again. He has, however, not missed an opportunity every day since then to show me by some action that, yes, in fact, he still loves me. I like that.
My ex-husband said the words “I love you” to fill empty, quiet space. He didn’t like quiet. It was sweet in the beginning, but it ultimately cheapened the words. To say it is fine, but not because you’ve got nothing else to say. To show it with actions touches me differently and that’s what I’m getting here with Blue Eyes.
As much as I took “B’s” words in, I’m having a hard time believing that Blue Eyes has anything less than my best interests at the center of his heart. What can I say? I like sex. I also like to talk, laugh, run, hike, and sometimes argue about meaningless shit. Blue Eyes, with what I believe is his sincere affection, just happens to get to reap some prime benefits. He seems to be enjoying it. I know I am!
I live a good life, am happy, healthy, grateful, thankful and at this moment in time, very content.
The sun is out in more ways than one!