Nothing like an email from a friend, just checking in, because I’ve not blogged in a while, to make me feel loved. Thank you – E. 🙂
Life is hectic/busy/stressful/joyful/oh-my-gosh-it’s-almost-the-end-of-the-year crazy.
I met a girlfriend in Vegas weekend before last and had a great time. I hadn’t seen her in almost 2 years. This trip, she declared, was my birthday present. While I paid for my airfare, taxi fare to the hotel from the airport and gambling that I did, she paid for everything else. I wasn’t expecting that, even though I knew we were celebrating my birthday.
We stayed at the Monte Carlo (very nice), laid by the pool drinking alcohol (very fun) visited the Mob Museum (very interesting), ate at some wonderful restaurants (very yummy), took taxi’s everywhere (very lazy) and talked non-stop (very awesome). It was different from my first trip to Vegas in March with Blue Eyes. Not better, or worse, just very different. I loved it.
I spent a total of $120 gambling. I have nothing to show for it. At least not yet. I put $80 into slot machines. That was a no-brainer LOSS. And then for the first time ever I placed two $20 sports bets. I bet the SF Giants would win the World Series and I bet Houston would win the Superbowl.
Blue Eyes questioned my choices and I had to admit there was no rational reasoning behind them. Sitting in the sports bar amidst men who were serious about their bets, I kind of half-ass looked at the little sheet, figured out I had no idea what I was looking at and then just picked for my own personal reasons.
I love San Francisco. I want San Francisco to win the World Series. Simple. If they win, I’ll win $100.
Houston? Well that was a little more involved. While I can barely stand to watch baseball on television, I do like to watch football. I prefer college football, but I watch any football. What did I like about Houston, other than their (at the time) perfect season? Kevin Walter. Owen Daniels. Ben Tate. That’s it. Those boys play well and look especially nice in their uniforms. I’ll win $70 if they win the Superbowl.
While I don’t expect to win either at least my money is not lost as quickly as it was in those slot machines. Ha!
My oldest son is staying in school. I’m thrilled by this. He’s jobless again due to a change in owners at the Chevron he was working at and since losing the job and struggling with the idea of staying in school, working, etc., his emotions are off, at best. He goes from high to low. Very high to EXTREMELY low. It’s been incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes when he’s low he is mean and nasty in a way that makes me flash back to being married to his father. The cruelest things are said, the rudest things are done, I simply want to wash my hands of my parental duties. At other low points he cries like a baby with his head in my lap. Lost, confused, scared of being an adult. It’s enough to make me lose my mind, but I can’t. Because that wouldn’t help anybody.
I feel lost too. This is new and unchartered territory for me. This transition from totally dependent child to semi-independent adult, heading ever forward toward totally independent adult is new and challenging.
When I asked him if he wanted to “talk to someone” because he believes he is depressed, he jumped at the opportunity and said yes. That surprised me. Sadly, I couldn’t be sure, up to this point, whether or not he was manipulating me. Yeah, I feel bad for saying that, but it’s true. So Monday he has an appointment with a psychologist. He’s asked me to go with him and, of course, I will. I hope it helps him move out of this place he’s in.
Running is good and slow, but I’m doing it. I have a trail half marathon in 2½ weeks, and a relay two weeks later and then, of course, there is Hawaii in December.
Not sure if the oldest is going to Hawaii with me and the youngest. He hasn’t 100% committed to it and I haven’t purchased plane tickets and/or hotel yet. I had intended to weeks ago, but his uncertainty made me wait. He’s got a week to give me some kind of an answer and then I’m moving forward.
Regardless, in less than two months me and the youngest son will be in Hawaii. And I hope to cross the State of Hawaii off my list of 50 states I’ve run a marathon in. So looking forward to it.
Blue Eyes? Still present and accounted for. Still a good man, with a huge heart who is “head over heels in love with [me]”. Those are his words. It’s apparently easier for me to write about men in my life when things are going badly. So much easier to bitch, moan and complain. Things with Blue Eyes are not going badly so I have nothing to say, other than I think I just recently gave myself permission to be in love with this man. Not sure why I’m so afraid to “love,” but I am. It’s still kind of scary, but as I ease into the belief that it’s okay for me to be happy and in love in this relationship it becomes less scary. He’s a thoughtful, kind and an extremely loving guy who wants nothing more than to walk along side of me through this life. That’s new for me. The Ex insisted on walking in front of me, and if I’m honest, so did “B” – walking next to me is a novel concept.
I also realized recently I don’t censor myself when I’m talking to him. I used to censor myself with my Ex because I was always trying to figure out what was going to set him off so I could try to avoid it. I censored myself with “B” too, mostly because he judged harshly and I was afraid of his judgment. I don’t censor with Blue Eyes. He just gets raw and untidy me. It’s been that way from the beginning and I think in the beginning I didn’t censor because I was trying to run him off. Actually I know that was the case a couple of times – but he never ran and continues to stay and accept me with all my faults and shortcomings.
So life is indeed hectic/busy/stressful/joyful/oh-my-gosh-it’s-almost-the-end-of-the-year crazy, but all things considered – things are very good.
Hoping the same holds true for you!