**This post is NOT running related so feel free to delete this email or continue scrolling down your WordPress Reader if you follow me for running related reasons. I will not be offended.**
I’m going through a bad phase in part of my life. It’s personal. It’s upsetting. It’s stressing me out. It’s on my mind constantly and even when I’m able to push it aside for a minute (turn it over, if you will) it’s still there just under the surface.
I believe, truly, that life is cyclical and “this too shall pass.” The highs and the lows are normal and we should enjoy the highs and hang on during the lows. I believe it. Really.
I’m frustrated though and part of it is my fault.
We all need emotional support periodically. I try NOT to need emotional support beyond the very basic. I think it stems from being married for 23 years to someone who needed 24/7 uplifting support and gave very little in return. Not because he didn’t want to, I hope, but because he didn’t really know how.
I can’t live that again. I won’t.
This thing, this time that I’m struggling through, is hurting me. Badly. I really need some serious emotional support from someone who cares about me. I don’t need someone to fix my problems, but I need someone who sincerely cares about me to listen to me, talk with me, help reassure me that while it sucks, and it does suck, I’m capable of getting through it.
Blue Eyes is failing in this and it’s making me sad.
He’s failing so badly I don’t even want to talk to or see him.
He’s failing so badly I’m considering breaking up with him.
Does he know I’m stressed out? Yes. He knows. I talk A LOT — I’ve told him. I’ve said the words and expressed the whys – he knows more than anyone else but he doesn’t respond.
In fact, he kind of looks like a deer in headlights.
He processes stuff differently than me. I know that. He needs more time to process before he can react. I know that too. But this thing, this weight, this sucky part of my life has been present for at least a couple of weeks, and still nothing.
It’s like it makes him uncomfortable I’m going through this right now. I feel badly because its real, and it’s happening, and it’s a part of my every fiber so I cannot just take it off like a jacket when he’s around to make him more comfortable. I can’t.
Instead of a word of encouragement he will change the subject and talk about something meaningless.
Lying in bed last night I was thinking how can I be seriously thinking about spending “the rest of my life” with this man if he can’t handle, react or comfort me in times like this?
Upset, stressed out, feeling alone and sad on top of it.
But hey, at least the sun is out in the Pacific Northwest, it’s supposed to be in the 80’s all weekend and I get to run 24 miles on Wildwood tomorrow.
All is not lost.