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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Hello 2017!

Happy New Year People!  It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

 

Over a year actually.

 

Time does indeed fly.

 

That being said, 2016 was not what I would call quick.  It wasn’t particularly bad, even though there were a handful of sucky moments – overall 2016 was a good year.

 

At the top of my list of sucky moments in 2016 would be my failure to complete a marathon that I didn’t train for.  Yeah.  You read that right.  I didn’t train.  At all.  But somehow I thought I was still going to get out there and run 26.2 miles.  It was stupid.  It was ugly and I called it quits at mile 15.  After I burst into tears and fell into Blue Eyes arms sobbing “I can’t do this.”

 

He simply said “Okay.  The car is over here.”  I was much more distraught over my failed attempt than he was.  It made no difference to him whether I ran the whole distance or only a portion of it.  He still thought I was pretty fucking cool.

 

2016 was the year Blue Eyes and I both turned 50.  He turned 50 first and for that occasion I threw him a surprise birthday party.  It was a huge surprise party with lots of friends and family in attendance.  You must understand Blue Eyes is an introvert in every sense of the word.  He likes people, sort of, but it is never his idea of a good time to be the center of attention.   When we arrived at the restaurant and everyone yelled “Surprise!” the look on his face was priceless.  He recovered though and enjoyed the party.

 

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My 50th birthday was five months later and for the occasion Blue Eyes took me to my happy place in Oregon.  Cannon Beach.  We spent two nights at the coast and I got to wake up in my favorite place with my favorite person.  It was pretty spectacular.

 

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Throughout the year we went to Seattle two or three times, spent a long weekend in Bend, and saw the coast more than once.  We even managed to steal away to Hawaii for a few days in October.

 

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It was a short trip, but we watched some sunrises and sunsets

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and rented a little cottage on the beach on the North Shore.  This is the view from the bed.  It was pretty nice to wake up to that!

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BUT 2016 is over and we are here in 2017.  Finally.

 

Blue Eyes and I have been waiting for 2017 for a while.

 

My youngest son will turn 18 in May.  He will graduate from high school in June.  Blue Eyes and I will begin living together -full time- under the same roof, I hope, by July (a mere three years and four months since . . . well, you know ;)).  We will have a wedding (for everyone to witness), on August 12th, six years after meeting on Match.com and then in October we are off on our honeymoon for three weeks.

 

When I was dating a lot, six plus years ago, I always asked guys “If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go?”  Blue Eyes’ answer was Greece.  My answer has always been Italy.  This October both will happen and I can hardly wait.

 

Oh, and did I mention I get to wear a wedding dress in August?  Which means I bought a wedding dress in 2016.  I went to the bridal store and said “Show me something appropriate for a second wedding” the girl looked at me and said “Anything you like is appropriate for a second wedding.”  And with that I had a blast with my best girlfriend and tried on a number of things I would have never worn in my previous life.

 

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I found the one.  And that one in the picture is not it, but its similar.  🙂  However, I refused to pay what the bridal store was asking so I found it on Ebay – from a bridal shop in another state – that had never been altered  (since it was a floor model).  It was quite a bit less.  It’s hanging in my closet now, waiting patiently for August 12.  Just like me.

 

Be well people!

 

PEACE!

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Feels like I’ve abandoned this blog, however I think simply not having time for it is more accurate.  Life is busy.  Life is good. 

This blog was started from sadness.  I thought the love of my life had just dumped me and I wasn’t sure I was going to survive it.  This blog gave me an outlet and anonymity.  Fabulous strangers told me they understood and sympathized with me. 

Somehow I moved beyond the sadness and spent a lot of time dating a lot of people.  Sometimes there was no date.  Only sex.  It was an interesting period and I cringe at some of my memories, laugh at others and am grateful for most.

I joined Match.com at the very end of July 2011.  It was such a yucky experience that my profile only stayed visible for 11 days.  I met a lot of jerks in 11 days.  Blue Eyes and I exchanged phone numbers during those 11 days but he didn’t actually contact me until after I’d shut my profile down.  I was so jaded and skeptical and sick of wasting my time when he asked to get together I said no.  He asked again and to get him to leave me alone I made our first meeting very difficult on him, with ridiculous location and time specifics.  I told him I only had 27 minutes to spare and if he was late it was his problem, not mine.  None of this phased him.

After that first meeting we dated for awhile and I decided he was too nice.  Too nice.  I broke up with him three months after we started dating because he was too nice. 

Six weeks later he called me out of the blue and asked me out.  Life has been pretty spectacular since that moment.  Ups, downs, twists and turns but spectacular nonetheless.

He has been my husband for a little over a year, yet our wedding is 27 months away.  We do not live under one roof, yet we spend every possible moment together.  I wouldn’t suggest this course of action to anyone, but it works for us right now.

My very best girlfriend took some photographs of us recently.  As I scrolled through them I saw how this lovely man looks at me, how I look at him and what love and happiness looks like, despite the day to day trials of life.

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I love this man and all of his niceness.  Despite my personal feelings about Match.com I will forever be grateful that they made “us” possible.

Be well people!

xoxo

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I love Sarah Kay’s spoken word poetry.  Sometimes I just go to Youtube and watch video after video of her different poems.  All wonderful.  All inspiring.  All thoughtful.

This morning I came upon one I had never heard before.  It surprised me that it was new (to me), but as is generally the case (in my life), I likely didn’t need to hear it before this moment, so there was no reason to find it sooner than today.  

Please enjoy When Love Arrives by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye. 

 

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The fabulous people of the Pacific Northwest are currently experiencing some equally fabulous weather.  Today it’s sunny with a perfect blue sky and the temperature is expected to get to 79.  Perfection in every sense of the word.

While I don’t mind the rain, the sun makes me happy so this post will more than likely be upbeat regardless of what I’m talking about!  Ha!  I love when that happens!

Sometime in the middle of last Thursday I decided I didn’t really have any true desire to see the Young One on Friday night.  The sex would have been awesome, but I knew I wouldn’t be lacking in sexual contact over the weekend since Blue Eyes was spending the night on Saturday.  When I cancelled on the Young One he had a hint of disappointment in his voice, but I think it was more because I cancelled within the 24 hour window rather than his sadness over not seeing me.

I spent a great deal of time with the Young One a couple of weeks ago and I figured some shit about him (and me) out.  He’s a nice guy with the most perfect, awesome, hard body I have ever had the pleasure of being close to, and he thinks my body is “beautifully athletic . . . ” (how could I not love that?)    He has the most endearing, lovely, mischievous little boy smile with pretty green eyes and the softest brown hair that falls down into his face when he laughs and when he talks about something he is really excited about his eyes twinkle – swear to God!  But while he is 36 years old, he is truly much younger than that, growth wise.  So the bottom line is he is only good (for me) for sex and some (a lot of the time) meaningless conversation.

We went for a 20 mile bike ride together, among other things, on that day a couple of weeks ago.  It was a fun day and the bike ride was the last thing we did.  When he helped me get my bike back into my car I said “so what are you going to do with the rest of your day?”  He looked at me, smiled and said “I’m going to sit on my ass and smoke weed for the rest of the day.”  No lie.  That’s what he said.

While I was okay with that answer, because it’s his life, not mine, it was at precisely that moment a small voice in my head whispered “he’s only good for sex, quit looking for something more in there. . .”  Ahhh well, I think I knew that before.  But it’s sunk in pretty deep now.

When I cancelled on him last Thursday I told myself I was going to leave work early and go to the movies Friday night and then go home and putter around my house before I climbed into bed kind of early.  What actually happened was I left work early, went to the movies (October Baby), ran home, showered, changed clothes, grabbed my pajamas and then drove myself up to Washington to spend the night with Blue Eyes.  Surprised myself, but I enjoyed it immensely.

He had to work on Saturday so I left his house at 6 that morning intending to go home and sleep a couple more hours before I went for a run.  Um, well.  I got a speeding ticket ($160) on the way home so I was too wound up to actually go back to sleep.  Instead I cleaned my kitchen, living room and dining room and did a couple of loads of laundry, and then I went for a run.  A nice mellow 8 miles without my Garmin because the last thing I needed to do was tweak about my time and/or pace.

I had plans to meet “B” for coffee and a conversation at 1.  I had suggested we meet at Whole Foods.  It seemed like a nice neutral spot with lots of people and absolutely no intimate settings.  Friday, however, he sent me an email and asked if he could take me to lunch at McCormack & Schmicks since it had been a while since we’d spent any time together.

Lunch was pleasant (the food was outstanding) but it was very clear early on in the conversation that the lunch was in an effort to see if I was still pinning for him.  I made it clear that I wasn’t and told him about the two guys, who knew about each other, that I was spending my time with.  He wasn’t happy to hear that, but mostly because he knew I was having sex.  He told me that while it was none of his business he thought I was too special of a person to be cheapened with sex.  That any man who was willing to have sex with me, prior to marriage, did not have my best interest at heart.  He even went so far as to tell me that the reason  Blue Eyes has done all the things he’s done for me was merely so he could have sex with me, not because he thought I was special, because if he thought I was special he wouldn’t be dirtying my soul with sex outside of marriage.

It’s hard for me to be mean to “B” because I did love him very much and while I didn’t, and still don’t, agree with his feelings about sex (even though I went through that 2 1/2 year relationship without sex), I respected his position because I had NEVER known a man so firm in his belief.  The conversation on Saturday, however, pissed me off and I felt as if he was discrediting my ability to make decisions for myself at the ripe old age of almost 46.   I told him I heard what he was saying, but that he shouldn’t worry.  And I tried to leave it at that.  In the two hours we spent together he would regularly circle back to this topic and restate, in similar but slightly different words, the same thing.  It was tiring.  I was happy to say good-bye.

Blue Eyes came down after work on Saturday and took me out for margaritas before we went to see The Avengers in 3D IMAX splendor.  (That movie was fucking A-W-E-S-O-M-E — it’s just not possible to go wrong with Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth (hottest Thor EVER!) and Jeremy Renner . . . shit, even Tom Hiddleston was a pretty HOT bad guy. .  . aside from being an awesome movie it’s eye candy heaven — for REAL! )  After the movie he took me for a late dinner with more margaritas and then he took me home.

Instead of leaving early on Sunday I encouraged him to stay until about 3 p.m.  We ran some errands, did a lot talking and just had a really nice time together.  My heart continues to soften and what I especially like is he is not rushing me about anything.  Yes, a few weeks ago he told me he loved me, but since that time he has not said the words again.  He has, however, not missed an opportunity every day since then to show me by some action that, yes, in fact, he still loves me.  I like that.

My ex-husband said the words “I love you” to fill empty, quiet space.  He didn’t like quiet.  It was sweet in the beginning, but it ultimately cheapened the words.  To say it is fine, but not because you’ve got nothing else to say.  To show it with actions touches me differently and that’s what I’m getting here with Blue Eyes.

As much as I took “B’s” words in, I’m having a hard time believing that Blue Eyes has anything less than my best interests at the center of his heart.  What can I say?  I like sex.  I also like to talk, laugh, run, hike, and sometimes argue about meaningless shit.  Blue Eyes, with what I believe is his sincere affection, just happens to get to reap some prime benefits.  He seems to be enjoying it.  I know I am!

I live a good life, am happy, healthy, grateful, thankful and at this moment in time, very content.

The sun is out in more ways than one!

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NOTEFor those subscribers who follow me for the sake of my running woes and triumphs, you should probably just delete this post.  There is nothing running related within.  But as it says up there on the left hand side, this blog is about whatever is on my  mind . . . . so here we go. . .

Blue Eyes told me a few weeks ago that he was in love with me.  His exact words were “You know I’m totally in love with you, right?”  Yes.  If I’m being honest (and that is what this blog is about) I knew that.

 

He didn’t want me to feel awkward, or obligated and he knew I was seeing the Young One, but he felt like he had to say it.  He said he knew I was “guarded” in this area of my life.

 

Hmmm.  Well, pushing aside the fact that I’m not sure I believe he knows me well enough to really be in love with me, after 9 months of on and off dating, every other weekend, no less.  I do know he believes he knows enough to reach this love conclusion.

 

A few months ago when I pushed him away from me with the “can’t-be-your- girlfriend-just-want-someone-to-fuck-when-I-want” speech he backed off.  I think I didn’t talk to him for 3 or 4 weeks.  But then he resurfaced.

 

I let him come back in because a) he’s a really, really nice guy; b) we have a good time in and out of bed; c) he’s extremely easy to be around; and d) on the particular night he called me, after weeks of no contact, I was sitting in my pajamas reading a book wishing I had someone I could go out with at the moment.

 

Timing is everything.

 

So he came back into the fold on a limited basis.  I was not his girlfriend, he was not my boyfriend.  We were friends, who hung out and periodically slept together.  Friends with the proverbial benefits.

 

My mother pointed out, around this time, that it was in his best interest to be in my life on whatever terms I allowed him to be in it, if he cared about me, because possibly I’d get to know him better and my feelings might change.  I think my response to my mother at that time was, “Yeah, right, whatever.  All I know is he’s available when I don’t have anyone else.”

 

As is often the case, however, my mother was right.  I’m not in love with Blue Eyes.  But when I recall the reasons I originally wanted to step away from him, the things about him that annoyed me 3 months after I met him, they aren’t as important anymore.  They are still present, but because I know him better than I did, I have a better understanding about some of the decisions he’s made in his life and I have softened my position.  It’s not all black and white.

 

The thing is I don’t know why I’m NOT in love with Blue Eyes.

 

He’s nice, kind, soft-hearted, even-tempered, employed, a good father, a good friend, great in bed, always brings me flowers (he has never come to see me without flowers, never – it’s been 9 months – and he’s sent them to me twice at work) and he’s smart, in that nerdy kinda way, that I didn’t realize I was so into.  But I most certainly am!

 

And he’s handy. . . . oh my God is he handy.  He has installed my garbage disposal, fixed my garage door, fixed my dryer, and this past Sunday he built my puppy a dog run (and actually started a list of “projects” he would do for me around my house).  He would tell you that we built the dog run together, but that’s a flat-out lie.  He built it himself.  I just stood where he told me to and held up pieces periodically while he built the damn thing.  The instructions said “should take 2 hours to complete.”  He did it in an hour and a half and he did it with a good attitude.

 

That last line may sound weird, but as I explained to a friend, I would have dreaded building that thing with my ex-husband.  He was NOT handy, but he would have attempted it since it was a DIY purchase.  The least little thing that didn’t go right would have set him off and he would have been yelling at me and taking it out on me the whole time.  As a matter of fact, I was so conditioned to that, when I noticed some of the fencing on the top didn’t look right, I didn’t say anything to Blue Eyes.  I had that fear he would freak out and get upset – (remember I was conditioned well for 23 years) – Blue Eyes noticed the fencing issue himself, however, and just matter of factly said “oh, hmmm, that’s not right, lets undo this part right here so it’s right.”  I just stared at him, probably with my mouth open.  Later, when he was putting in some grips on the bottom I almost stepped on his hand.  I didn’t, but I almost did.  I said “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, I almost stepped on your hand.”  Again, 23 years of conditioning taught me that an almost accident like that would be grounds for a real good tongue lashing and anger for the rest of the day without a pre-apology . . . . But Blue Eyes looked up at me, smiled and said “but you didn’t, and even if you had, it wouldn’t have been on purpose, right?”  Um, yeah.  I actually said out loud “oh, that’s right, you’re a different person.”

 

Here is a picture of the completed dog run with my puppy relaxing in his new apartment.  It’s just an amazing piece of work and if the dog could talk he would certainly express his undying gratitude to Blue Eyes.  Puppy knows what time I leave for work.  All week at that time, even if I’m not even close to leaving, he gets up and goes out to the garage and puts himself in the dog run.  Like “yay, I get to be in here!”  That’s a far cry from the way he used to sulk his way into the way-to-small-for-a-180-pound-dog crate he use to inhabit while no one was home.  I feel like a good mommy again.

But I digress. . . . Blue Eyes is an introvert and possibly that’s what throws me.  My ex-husband was out there.  Loud and obnoxious.  He couldn’t enter a room quietly if his life depended on it and I think that’s what I’m more used to.  “B” was not as out there as my ex, but he was not an introvert.

 

Blue Eyes always enters quietly.  He does not feel the need to talk to strangers.  He doesn’t feel the need to make new friends.  He’s not opposed to it, but he doesn’t go out of his way to accomplish the task.  He has a large group of friends, that have been his friends for a long time and he’s content to leave it alone.

 

I’m not an over the top extrovert, but I’m far from introverted.  It’s interesting to me that he’s so taken with me, since I force him into his uncomfortable zone when we’re out because I talk to everyone.  Maybe he likes that.  I don’t know.

 

What I do know is that I doubt this man would ever cheat on me, I doubt he would ever stop going out of his way to try to make me happy, I doubt he would ever say no to anything I asked of him, if it was in his power and yet I can’t/won’t let myself be in an exclusive relationship with him.

 

In the immortal words of Cliff Claven . . . “What’s up with that?”

 

Possibly I’m just not ready to give up the casual relationship with the Young One.  Maybe I don’t think I’m worth having someone so kind, sweet and gentle caring for me.  I don’t know.  But what I do  know is that while I don’t love him, my heart has surely softened towards him and since he’s made it clear he’s not going anywhere, regardless of what I do, my softening heart kind of scares me.

 

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Lots of posts floating around Word Press about Valentine’s Day.  I’ve read the gamut.  Sadness, happiness, silliness, indifference, hatred.  It’s all here for the reading.  (I love Word Press!)

To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about Valentine’s Day until I started reading the various blog posts.  Then, as I ran my 11 miles today, (which actually turned into 15 because I’m all about fighting against what anyone but me says, and think I know better, and it was only 4 more miles, and it wasn’t raining, and my run felt strong, and I felt like running 15, dammit!  Alright.  End of justification rant) I spent some time thinking about February 14th.

This February 14th will be the first time, in 25 years, that I am not married, or with a boyfriend.  I told my ex I wanted a divorce in March 2009.  A few days before his birthday.  Nice, huh?  I still carry guilt about that, but whatever, it is what it is.  Some shit can’t wait.  But February 14th of 2009 we were still married.  Our marriage was in trouble and he was kind of, sort of aware of this, even though he refused to think he was in any way responsible for it.  To try to make it better he suggested the family go to the coast for the weekend.  If I remember correctly, Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday.  He knew I liked to “go places” so he knew he’d be making me happy.  Since we could drive to the coast he was happy because he was not about flying.  It was a win-win.  We packed up the boys and went to Newport for the weekend.  It was a nice weekend, but I remember multiple times thinking it wasn’t enough -it wasn’t addressing the REAL problems in our marriage – it was a little fluff, a bit too late.  Anyway as far as Valentine’s Day was concerned it didn’t leave me warm and fuzzy.  In fact, I remember being annoyed because we were staying in one room with our boys.  Two queen beds, and somehow he thought I would be up for having sex with him once he convinced me they were really asleep in the bed right next to us.  Right.  Um, no.

Still, I wasn’t alone on that day.  I was married, and he bought me flowers, scratch off lottery tickets and took me to dinner, as he had every year for 23 years running.

The next year I was divorced, but I had a boyfriend.  “B.”  Valentine’s was on a Sunday and since Sunday is the day I get my kids back (at 6 p.m.) he took me to dinner on Saturday, bought me flowers and a beautiful pair of earrings.  It was nice and it was thoughtful and after 23 years with a man who I never found thoughtful I was pleased about the change in my circumstance.

Last year I was still dating “B.”  And Valentine’s was on a Monday.  That Saturday he took me to a play.  The Screwtape Letters.  It was the best valentine’s gift I could have asked for.  I had seen the ad for the play in the paper and had wanted to go, but I had never said it out loud.  Somehow he knew that and surprised me with seats up front in the middle.  He also took me to dinner, bought me flowers and gave me a book of poetry.  B was nothing, if he wasn’t thoughtful.

This year I am alone.  Thankfully.  Happily.  Contently.  Alone.  Granted it’s taken me almost 7 months to feel this way and I’m not entirely alone.  I have a couple of guys that make themselves sexually available to me, as needed and even take me out and pay for dinner and movies to boot.  But for all intents and purposes, I’m alone.   As I ran this morning I thought that realization would cause me some grief, but it didn’t.

The fact is that while it might cause me a twinge of loneliness when I see others getting their loves notes, flowers, and cards this Tuesday and feeling that amazing sense of being loved, I’m holding out.  Holding out for feeling that amazing sense of being loved everyday (without flowers, candy, gifts, etc.), not just Valentine’s day, by that one man.  I haven’t met him yet, and truthfully I’m not currently looking for him, but I know he’s out there and I know our paths will cross eventually.

Hallmark, and sadly, women, have made Valentine’s Day about couples, cards, flowers and candy, but shouldn’t Valentine’s Day be more than that?  Shouldn’t it be more about opening our hearts to those we love, and even those we don’t.  Giving of ourselves to those who give without thinking to us?  Selflessness, generosity, tolerance, and love.  That’s the bigger picture.  I wish there was a card for that. 

This Tuesday I will run, because I love to run and it makes my heart happier than a box of chocolate and some flowers.  I will spend the evening with my kidlet and probably make him a heart-shaped brownie, because he loves brownies.  I’ll take my dog for a long walk, even if its raining, because he loves that more than anything.  I’ll be nice to random people throughout the day.  I will be tolerant of even the slowest drivers in the left hand lane.  I will be happy when I see someone receiving their valentine’s gifts and I will be hopeful that this feeling will stay with me, and everyone else, beyond Tuesday.

Have a Great Week People!

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I should be sleeping.  But I can’t.  Too much floating around in my head.

I’ve said so often lately that I’m not interested in a relationship, don’t have the time, only want sex and male companionship when I want it, that I thought possibly I’d grow to really truly believe it.  Ha!  Nice try.  As was pointed out to me, I am vigilantly trying merely to protect my heart.

It is true, however, I’m no longer “looking” for the relationship.

When B let me go, 6 months ago, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.  Irrational worry set in.  Will another man ever love me as completely as he seemed to.  Could someone love me more completely?  I still have that worry, but tonight I’m wondering if my true fear is that I will never allow someone to love me that completely.  Will I shut him out if he appears?  Miss out on possibly an even greater love?  I may, and that bothers me.

I am a romantic whose heart has been broken and I think, or rather know, it alters my vision.

Do I want a relationship?  Not sure.  Perfection with a relationship?  Ahhh, yes.  That’s what I want.  You silly girl!   Perfection?  Really?  Yes.  Really.

Am I naive?  Possibly.  Am I setting my sites too  high?  Again, possibly.  But why not?  In the end I’m worth perfection, even if you don’t believe it.  You don’t have to.  I do.

And I do.  Believe I’m worth it.

My perfection doesn’t mean a perfect man, with a perfect body, with a perfect smile, perfect job, blah, blah, blah.

No.  My perfection is more than that.

I like men who are physically fit and take it seriously — push themselves, sometimes further than is “normal,” because they can, not because they have to prove something.  I like men that have a brain and have true passion about their life.   Do they have to be “nice?”  Yes, that would be good, but they don’t always have to be nice.  Can they be bad?  Of course!  But they don’t always have to be bad.  Do they have to have an even temperament?  Well, I’d like someone who isn’t constantly on “rage” mode, but anger and dissatisfaction, when properly channeled is not a bad thing.  It can be a driving force for a man who knows how to use it properly.  I admire that trait and know it when I see it.  There should be consistency but not predictability.  And of course, enjoyable sex is required, but even beyond that, kissing is paramount, lots of kissing.  More kissing.  Really.

So that’s what I like and that’s what I want, yet it’s not that simple.  I want so much more.

While I enjoy great sex, the moments immediately after have more of an impact.  Can I rest my head on his chest, listen to his heart beat, feel the warmth of his body while we talk quietly, and we tell each other thoughts we never imagined we would share with another?  Can the conversation between us at that moment be thoughtful, truthful, deep at times, silly at others, yet always meaningful?  Yes?  Well then I’m taken.  Instantly.  That’s my perfection.

I’m a physical being and challenge my body on the regular.  It makes me feel alive, present and accounted for.   I want to share that part of me with someone who gets it, understands it and maybe has a little bit of that in themselves.  They don’t have to be crazy and cannot be complacent.  Crazy for the sake of crazy and complacency are not okay.

Change is inevitable, it’s not meant to be fought with or against.  Life is short and isn’t meant to be hard, its meant to be enjoyed.  Does anyone get that?

So while I’m content right now with sex for the sake of sex, it’s not what I really want.

I want to be loved, treasured, respected, and challenged by a man who really does know how to treat a woman.  I want great conversation mixed in with amazing kissing.  I want a boy whose grown into a man, a real man.  Whose life lessons have taught him a thing or two about who he is and what he wants and I want to know he’s paid attention to those lessons.  I want physical, emotional, intellectual strength mixed in with sensitivity and softness at times.

When this man appears in my life, I want to believe in him and be with him.  Completely.  Will I allow myself that simple pleasure?  I certainly hope so.  I know he exists, he simply needs to show himself and I, in turn, need to be paying attention.

I live an amazing life and I will continue to make amazing memories as I wait for the perfection that I desire and, quite frankly, deserve.

 

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