So I pulled out the iPad to write this post.
My posts have been infrequent, if you haven’t noticed, and that’s due in large part to my employer blocking access to WordPress. I didn’t always write posts at work but it would happen on occasion. What happened more frequently, however, was writing at home while on my work computer. I still bring my computer home with me for work purposes, but since WordPress is blocked it does me no good with respect to my blog. And posting from my iPad is painful and SLOW. So there you go.
All that aside, my reflections on the past year and thoughts about the current new year compel me to write.
2013 was an interesting year.
With respect to my kids there has been some serious growth.
The oldest left for school last January, “tried” unsuccessfully to get a job, blamed me for many of his life’s woes, which mainly centered around the fact that I couldn’t support him in the same lavish lifestyle his roommates appeared to be living. He had his license suspended for a year for an M.I.P. charge. He got arrested for a few minor and a rather major offense, spent the longest hours of his life behind bars, stood before a judge for sentencing and then came home for the summer and slept til 2 p.m. every day so he could hang with his friends into the wee hours and again blamed me for his inability to get a job. But then something happened. And honestly I’m not really sure what it was but he left for school again in September and maturity began. He got a manual labor job and loved it. Loved the work, and the money that came from said work. Instead of coming home every weekend he went ten weeks before I saw him, coming home for Thanksgiving. The angry phone calls and mean spirited texts were replaced with texts telling me how much he loved and appreciated me. It was Twilight Zone shit in a big way. He came home for the Christmas holiday for three weeks and respected my rules without question or argument about smoking weed in my house. Maturity. Yo. He borrowed a little money from me, paid me back with ridiculous interest. He filled my car with gas and he cooked for himself on multiple occasions without telling me I was falling down on my parental responsibility. Seriously, I have had that conversation with my 20 year old. For the first time ever. EVER. I got a Christmas gift that was not purchased with my or my exhusbands money. Twilight Zone. But I couldn’t be any happier about it as he heads back to school this evening. I love this boy, I wish he understood how much.
Younger brother, who is similar but at the same time so completely different, is my heart. The relationship we have built since I left his father and since his brother moved out is one of my most cherished. We have a closeness that I hope lasts forever and what makes me most happy is that he is very close to his father as well. He has built two separate relationships with us that don’t rely on the other. That may sound odd, but it’s priceless. Add to that — the boy has risen to the occasion of high school and you are left with a proud mom. When he does something that requires discipline I am thankful for the reminder that he is STILL just a 14 year old boy. Again I wish he knew just how much I love him.
My job has morphed into a lot more responsibility over the year and I’m good with that. I still adore my boss and working in this corporate environment continually reminds me why I will never work in a law firm again. Life is too short to be that stressed out all the time. (I know not all law firms are super stressful but before my current job I worked as a litigation paralegal for a firm that had a hellacious trial calendar. There is no stress like trial prep that never let’s up.)
I didn’t travel as much as I like this year. One trip to Cannon Beach for a couple nights, trip to Mexico with girlfriends, trip to Idaho and then to Seattle with Blue Eyes. All quality trips though so it’s hard to find negativity where there is none.
Running was pretty low key. A couple half Mary’s, a 30k and one marathon that attempted to suck the life from me. All told I didn’t get close to 1,000 miles for the year, but what’s key is that by years end I had found my love for running again and that’s all I can ask for.
And then there’s Blue Eyes.
In September my amazing friend Jennifer wrote a blog post that I read early one morning while I was still laying in bed. She wrote about an asshole dude she had had the misfortune of meeting and within the post she wrote:
“Finding someone who . . . will pursue me and see me fully, someone who will think ‘Holy Shit this girl is a fricken catch and I’M NOT GOING TO MESS THIS UP’ . . .
When I read it I thought that’s fuckin right, don’t settle for less. My feelings were strong because I know how amazing she IS and I know she shouldn’t settle. Twenty minutes later as I stood in the shower still seething over the asshole on Jennifer’s behalf it dawned on me that what she described is 100% what I have in Blue Eyes. 100%. It was like a light bulb turned on and some things within me changed. Some things that cause me to hold back a little every now and again and rethink or possibly over think my relationship with this spectacular man whose number one goal in life is to make me happy. Who says to me “I love you more than everything.” And makes me believe him.
Our relationship changed a little. I was pretty strict about only seeing him on the weekends my kid is with his dad. Over the course of the year that changed and I see him at any feasible opportunity and my kids are okay with it. They like him. He doesn’t threaten them or their relationship with me and he likes them. This is key.
“B”, the man who dumped me and inspired me to start this blog, didn’t like my kids. It was a mutual dislike. They didn’t like him either. He also thought I was a shitty parent and it was his life mission to school me on the proper way to raise kids. Um yeah. On reflection I can’t figure out why I was so heartbroken and I was seriously heartbroken.
I saw this the other day and it made me think of “B”
Anywho……
Blue Eyes and I have had a lovely year together and have grown very close. I love just being in his company. He makes me laugh intensely and he makes me feel good about being me, just the way I am. No fixing necessary for him to find me perfect for him. And I actually find him incredibly perfect for me.
We went to Seattle for a couple of nights to celebrate the holidays together. We usually go to the beach because it’s my happy place in Oregon, but we changed it up and went north. We took the train and stayed in a great old hotel. Monday was our full day there. We got out of the hotel by 9 a.m. and we were out all day and night.
We went to the EMP (Experience Music Project) and spent about four hours there learning everything there is to know about Nirvana, Hendrix, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and the likes. It was awesome to be there with someone as into it as I was.
We went on to the Space Needle, Pike Street Market where we checked out the gross and disgusting gum wall (I wouldn’t stand next to it for a picture and I was totally grossed out by all the people TOUCHING it!) and we went to the Sculpture Park.
We sat for awhile and people watched, went into the Rack so I could try on stripper shoes then went and drank beer…..and then we went and drank margaritas.
Then we strolled the streets until we came upon The Taproom. 160 beers on tap. Did I mention we like beer? We settled in at the Taproom around 9:30. We were still there at midnight….
I’d never had beer in a glass like this.
I was having such a good time. A little tipsy, a lot happy, thrilled to be out of town without any responsibility. Happy to be with Blue Eyes. It couldn’t have gotten any better.
But then it did. Get better.
He said “this has been the very best year of my life and I thought it fitting to end it on a high note.” I started coughing about this time and turned away from him (I’d had an icky cold for awhile). When I stopped coughing and turned back towards him I noticed the goofy grin on his face first and then I saw he was holding the ring. THE RING! I was totally surprised. And speechless. Me. Speechless. If you know me you KNOW that’s almost impossible, but he did it.
Boom!
I said yes.
So it’s all official and we are engaged.
I think it’ll be a long engagement but we’ll see. He wants what I want. That’s all.
I was on Match.com for three weeks before I hid my profile. Blue Eyes got in under the wire. I almost didn’t go out with him because the day before I had gone out with a grade A jerk and I was a little sketchy about the whole online dating thing. Then I got freaked out because he liked me too much and so I pushed him away to date other people and met another jerk. That’s when I decided I just wanted to sleep with men without commitment. Did that for awhile with a young guy I had nothing in common with but the sex. All the while Blue Eyes waited patiently for me to figure it out. He let me figure out, on my time, that he is a good guy. That he is the right guy. That he is everything I want.
The train ride home was a happy one. I see good things in the future.
Transparent with Myself 